Without
by evilxlipxscar
Summary: "I'm still feeling something for you... and I want to work on me. Maybe someday we're both ready to say these three words." "Okay... if you're serious then show me." Teresa Lisbon is pregnant and Patrick Jane went away 6 months ago. When he's suddenly back they have to face their problems and that thing why it didn't work out in the past. mid season 6.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: No, nothing's mine.**

**A/N: So, this is my very first fanfiction I'm posting here. I'm no native speaker so I'm saying in advance I'm terribly sorry for all my mistakes in grammar and spelling. I'm trying my best and I hope you forgive me.**

**This is a Jisbon story, even though it'll take some time. Just read and you'll see what I mean.**

* * *

It was quite a normal day; Abbott was guiding the briefing while she and the rest of his teams were sitting on their chairs. Everything seemed like always on the surface, but it wasn't. Lisbon was trying hard not to cry and it was getting harder with each minute that passed. She couldn't sit here any longer and pretend to be okay.

So she got up, hurriedly, and rushed out of the briefing. Of course that startled Abbott and everybody turned to look at her, but she didn't care. Not anymore. She could no longer hold her tears back and actually she didn't want to. Later she would try to explain it she already knew she would regret running out of a briefing like an upset child, but now the only thing she felt was the soft kicking in her belly. Maybe she wasn't acting like a child, maybe more like a pregnant hormonal woman. She searched for support on the cold FBI walls and stumbled that way to the ladies room.

As the door of the bathroom closed Lisbon ran a hand helplessly through her dark curly hair and groaned. Her legs were so wobbly all out of sudden that she leaned against the wall, trying to ignore the kicking in her belly. Thinking about the baby, her baby… that was something she couldn't handle. Her hands were constantly tempted by not touching her lower stomach because she knew she couldn't feel the warmth of her hands on her swollen belly. Then, her knees buckled and she let herself slid down the wall. It was unusual for Lisbon to do a thing like that, but even she was having weak moments like that. Later she would wrap herself together again and march out of the ladies room like nothing had happened, she would be the Lisbon everyone knew, but now, the only thing she felt were the movements of her tiny little baby.

"Oh god, oh dear god... please stop stepping. Please." A slight gasp escaped her lungs as she got another powerful kick. She'd never thought she'd end up like that.

Some tears made their way along her cheek down to her jawline. She sniffed and soon she could barely breathe anymore. While she was sitting on the floor, pregnant and without a partner she realized that she couldn't do this anymore, not on her own.

Where had the times gone? This was all so wrong.

Lisbon sat on the cold bathroom floor what felt like an eternity but then the door swung open and Kim Fischer, a colleague from her unit, who had also been at the briefing in the bullpen walked in with rapid steps. Fisher was a good woman, she had chestnut brown hair but all Lisbon could say about her was that she had had some problems with her in the beginning but that they were solved now and she started to see the real her. When Kim looked to the lower area in the room she saw Lisbon who was sitting in the corner, tears streaming down her face and slightly upraised hands. Her eyes became soft and she knelt down in front of Lisbon.

"I... I'm so sorry. I couldn't. I can't."

In that moment Fischer realized that Lisbon was having some real issues. They had never been so close that she'd dared to ask her about what had happened between her and Jane exactly, but one thing she knew for sure, it had become obvious since Jane wasn't there any longer. This was Jane's child as well as it was Lisbon's.

Her statement was a helpless cry. Lisbon was not trying to say that she was sorry about leaving the briefing in a rush. She was trying to vocal her despair.

She couldn't touch her belly for some reasons, she couldn't breathe, she couldn't stop trembling. It was the small things she was having problems with.

So all Fischer said was, "I know." She hadn't exactly planned to do this but as she was seeing Teresa Lisbon so upset all she could feel was her sympathy and pity for this woman.

When they had first met she'd been so strong, not happy, but… self-confident. Then something in her relationship with Jane had changed and she had blossomed. How she had come to this point after being so happy was something no one of the team did understand.

Kim sat down in the corner next to Teresa. She carefully wrapped her arms around her colleague's small figure. At first she felt her violently fighting back, Lisbon tried to pull away, but soon she gave up the hopeless struggle. She held still, she didn't move, she clung to Fischer's shoulder and was now even more shaking with sobs.

Patrick shouldn't have let her alone. He should've loved her and their unborn child, but he had been away on the 'morning after' and no one had seen him since then. What else Teresa should've thought except that he had used her? He knew she loved him. When she found out that she was pregnant a month later by him, she missed him even more and she still couldn't believe that he was gone.

At first she had played with the idea of abortion. She had no one. Her life consisted of working as an FBI agent for murder cases. She probably couldn't do it because of that. Kill her baby. So she had fought with morning sickness the first third of pregnancy stubbornly on her own. She had no talks about her unplanned pregnancy, but when it became obvious she had to tell the head of the department for murder investigation, Agent Abbott.

He had made her uncomfortable questions and she had often simply replied with 'To be honest, sir, I don't know.'

Supervising Agent Abbott had of course heard some rumors, but he had prefered to ask Agent Lisbon himself. Well, Lisbon hadn't said anything whether it was a planned or unplanned pregnancy but he knew for sure that this one wasn't planned. He could see in her eyes how hard it was for her to manage that by her own. After this interview, she was suspended in any case from the dangerous field.

Kim reached out and placed her right hand on Teresa's rounded belly. She felt the baby wriggle under her hand. It kicked and punched from the inside against her hand. Kim noticed that Teresa tried to push her hand away but instead of doing what Teresa wanted her to, she put her free left hand on Teresa's arm and pulled it next to her right hand.

Lisbon gasped. "No, I've never done that..."

Silence. She tried to pull her hand away, but Fisher's grip around her wrist was surprisingly strong.

"Kim, please... I cannot. Let go."

"Teresa, this is your baby and it needs you! It's not the baby's fault that Jane left, you know that don't you?"

"Of course I do, it's just, I can't see myself as a single mother."

Fisher didn't reply to that one.

They just sat on the floor of the ladiesrom for another while for a while. And their bodys closeness was soothing, Lisbon felt safe and secure. SOmething she hadn't felt in a long time. At first it was scary but with the time Teresa calmed down and lay her head on Kim's shoulder.

"What ywould you think of us becoming friends?"

Teresa's question was so unexpected that Kim looked up. Yes, what if? The two had always been well understood. Kim liked her. She was honest and fair.

"I think I would like that," Fisher replied softly.

"Would you?" Teresa smiled gently. She knew she would like it too.

Fisher nodded silently.

"Yeah I think I would, been a long time since I had a friend to talk to," Lisbon murmured.

She rubbed over Teresa's knuckles and said, "Me too, and I could help you during your pregnancy and if you want me to later with the baby. You know, succoring."

"That would be really nice. Thank you." She'd been very alone in these past few months.

And suddenly Teresa felt better.

"Should we.. uhm should we go back?"

On the way Kim said it, Teresa realized that it had also pleased her to talk quite honestly. Funnily. They just sat there for another while, Lisbon's hand covering her pregnant belly for the very first time.

"Yeah, I think so."

That's how it went, and it was okay. Actually more than that. For a little while it was fine.

* * *

**A review would be really really nice. **

**-A** x


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Are u kidding? Nope, don't own it.**

**A/N: Sorry for any mistakes. Plz let me know if you find any x I hope you enjoy. Plz leave review, I would really appreciate it.**

_**Chapter 2**_

Since that day Kim was at her side, always ready to help and support her. Sometimes, at the bad days, they slept together in bed. Teresa was incredibly glad that Kim was there. She realized how much she needed her as a friend. Their friendship grew stronger and stronger every day. Kim and Teresa chuckled and giggled sometimes, like they were still teens. Wild and free. Kim had an incredible soothing effect on her and if Kim wasn't around, Teresa felt kinda lonely.

About a month later they sat together on the couch in Lisbon's small apartement. She was cuddled in Kim's lap and watched a movie.

"Have you ever thought about buying pregnancy books?"

Teresa turned her head. She was a little bit shocked… Everything was beginning to seem so real.

"Why? I'm only sixth-"

"I know, honey, but maybe it would be good to know what to expect to you and your baby in the next couple of month. You know, you can no longer pretend that it's still a while until you'll give birth to this one." Kim pointed toward her extended stomach.

Teresa looked down. Her belly was getting really, really big.

"Yeah... I know."

Teresa looked away. She was getting nervous. Giving the baby more room in her thoughts, troubled her. This baby was Patrick's as well as it was hers. Frankly she wasn't even sure if she would keep it. The little creature in her belly began to kick, as if it had read her thoughts.

Like it wanted to say "No! Please don't give me away. I belong to you."

"Kim could you-?"

Without saying a word Kim put her hands around her growing belly, she stroked it gently. Loving.

Teresa felt so sorry that she was the one who was pregnant and not Kim. She knew she always wanted a child. She was absolutely ready to be a mother in contrast to her. Fisher had a small but comfortable little house, she had a boyfriend. She should've been the one. It was just not fair.

"I'm sorry, I still can't."

Kim took a deep breath.

"I did some background research. The baby is able to hear us now."

She smiled slightly.

"You could play your favorite songs to him or her and you could -"

Teresa's eyes were full of tears which she laboriously tried to hold back.

"I can't do that. All of that. I... I"

She wriggled out of the embrace.

"I have to pee."

Kim looked down. She knew it had to be difficult for Teresa. Probably she just needed more time. Nevertheless, she began to worry about them. Teresa acted most of the time just like there was no extended stomach in front of her. She tried to forget about it. And that was the point, she should slowly start to fix some things, but Kim realized how much it bothered her to only think about the little human. There was a new life inside her, she should be happy, but it was obvious that she missed Patrick way too hard to be happy

"Okay."

Teresa's little body already had significant problems to stand up alone, if she had located a while. She was just so tiny.

"Come on, I'll help you."

She gently grabbed under her friends shoulders and helped her put on. Then she wrapped her arms around her waist, which was hardly known, she retired Teresa and herself to the edge and stood up with her.

"It's okay now, I can do that on my own. Thank you."

* * *

6.45 AM.

Shit. Teresa had overslept, she was still so tired. Last night, the baby had kept her awake. It had pressed his little fists against her abdominal wall. The little one was getting so alive. As it had finally finished that it had gotten hiccup. Hicks hicks hicks. Teresa had gotten up to make herself a warm milk with honey. When it finally was quiet in her belly, it was already 2am. And now she was in a hurry. She sought her damn pregnancy pants, because her jeans didn't fit any longer. The little one in her began to enter again.

"Stop it, please. Shit where's the pants?"

The baby struggled more cheerful.

6.51 AM.

Teresa hurried into the kitchen, looked for her car keys, admitted her cereal bowl fast in the dishwasher and pulled her waistband higher. Then she left her apartment. On the way to the car she thought through whether she had packed everything in her bag. The little sparrow in her womb was no longer calm. It hopped and turned back and forth. Actually it felt kinda good.

"Hey... hey sweety. You're a girl, aren't you? Your Mu-.. I have to go to work now... and your kicking... I can't think clearly when you contact me ..."

She looked at her belly.

"Do you understand that?"

Kim had said that it could hear her. So she had decided to speak from now on to her belly. It seemed, as if the baby liked her voice.

She opened her car, took a seat and began to drive.

She tried not to think about him. Patrick Jane. And she almost succeeded. She had done that alone, okay since four weeks Kim helped her, but what she wanted to think was, without a man. She didn't need him. Not anymore. She was a strong independent woman. But if she thought of him, which was mostly in bed at night or when the baby kicked, her thoughts wandered always to their night together. The night in which it happened. The best night of her entire life.

_~He pulls me closer . He kisses my forehead, my neck. Then he finds my pulse point at my throat. He gently pushes a mountain of hair away from my neck. He kisses it. My skin burns all over my body. I can't get enough. I press him more firmly to me, I could feel it, as he moves along my spine. Only with his fingertips. My hair straighten up. I can't wait any longer. My feelings for him flood me, the darkness in my living room makes me curious. I let myself down on the couch, I'm opposed in the vault and pull him against me. Our lips found. I want him. Now. His tongue moves slowly across my lips, he explored every corner. After that he sucks on my bottom lip, he bite it. Soft. God, it feels so good. To good probably. Probably too passionate. I feel like I'm burning under him, I can't get enough air, but I can breathe later. Only in my panties under him my body feels like exploding. I can imagine his blond curls. My hands play with individual strands. He moves further down. Okay, at least now, I have no more control over me.~ _

Teresa shook her head. No. No no no. Why couldn't she just break free? Maybe she didn't really want to. She just pretend to want. It was like experiencing it all over again. She reveled in older memories. Some of the best moments were their first kiss or the first time seeing him naked in the shower.

After a while, she noticed that she was sweating…

She began to pray.

"God help me. Please help me. I don't know further…I… I don't know how to go on."

A tear slipped down her cheek. Dammit. These silly hormones were driving her crazy.

"My life's a mess. Please make that my life comes back in order. You know best what to do, I trust you. Amen."

She made a sign of the cross. Then she turned her car left and drove to the parking lot of the FBI.

**A/N: Thanks for reading. Do u have any suggestions of how to go further? x Please leave a review guys.**

**-A x**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: Still nope.**

**A/N: Whew, I thought I'd give it up... there are no reviews and I feel like talking to myself, but I am too proud of myself. I've never ever worked that hard on a story before. Yeah again, I'm sorry for all of my mistakes, but I do give my best x **

**Enjoy x **

Without Chapter 3

Lisbon had herself quickly got a slat Macchiato in the Coffee-to-go-shop a block further. She naturally knew of the entire thing, like: 'Consuming Coffee during the pregnancy damages the baby' or 'that it could lead to low birth', but she found that a cup of coffee was unobjectionable per day. Moreover she was extremely addicted to coffee and 9 months without coffee and Jane was definitely too hard. She took a swallow of the yet hot drink and entered the elevator. The Macchiato did well, she tried an easy smile. It was actually really hard for her to do this incorrect grinning, but it was still better than hourly asked by someone if she was okay. Whether she wanted to lay down for a while or whether she still missed Jane. Why none of them did asked her whether they were allowed to shoot her?

Just as the elevator doors began to automatically close itself, a hand was put into the middle and Cho entered the elevator too. As always his face was inexpressive, but Lisbon noted that he 'checked her off'. His view slid down her body, hiked to her belly, her shoes with heels and then again her face. Cho viewed directly into her eyes. It was like he could look into her thoughts, it was very similar to Jane. It scared her a little.

The elevator caught and began to go towards the top. Both had pressed that 15th cane. Naturally.

Cho spoke first.

"Good morning Lisbon".

She noticed he still held eye contact, when Lisbon's baby stepped her. The little one inside boxed against her mother's stomach. She raised her hands easily a bit and looked downward. Her blouse strained a little over her swollen belly and the pregnancy pair of pants were in the meantime already a little too narrow. Perhaps she should go shopping. Perhaps, sometime.

"Morning Cho".

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, thanks".

"Are you certain? How's the baby doing"?

As always, very directly. He spoke out what he thought. His voice had not this compassionate undertone like some other Agents, which knew of Jane's and Lisbon's 'relationship' and his disappearance.

"Yes, I'm certain". She tried a faked smile. "The sparrow is doing well. She's kicking and stepping more often now… which is good sign".

"So you know you're having a little girl?"

He regarded a little bit astonished at her, with an approach of favor. Lisbon viewed the number on the wall, 5.

"No, not yet, but Kim tried to persuade me, that I should let it assess…" She sighed quietly. "But I hope so".

"Okay."

It looked like this would be the end of their conversation, but as Lisbon wanted to turn toward the elevator door, Cho spoke further.

"Jane calls me sometimes".

Lisbon turned around again, shocked in disbelief. At first, she just stared at him with wide open eyes because she cunningly had lost her language, but as she got it again, he could hear suppressed pain and hurt in her tone.

"What... What? Patrick does call you? You…" She snatched after air. Suddenly the elevator seemed to become more closely. "How long? I mean, since when? I mean where is he… where? How is he doing"?

Cho had reckoned with this reaction. He really didn't want to unnecessarily excite her, but he had to tell her. Actually he should say far more than that, for example that he had told Jane whereas their last call, that he should swing his damned ass here, because Lisbon would give birth to her baby in a few months.

_~ Kimball Cho looked on his ringing mobile phone. It was after midnight. Clearly, that it was Patrick Jane, who called. Who else otherwise? It took his mobile phone into one hand and pressed on the green button. _

_"Heeey Cho". _

_Kimball sighed, Patrick was drunk, again. Apparently he always had to fill up himself, before was able to telephone after Austin, from where ever. _

_"Jane." _

_"Any news,… you know… 'bout Lisbon"? _

_Always that, always. Every time the same question, again and again. Why didn't he just came back and watched it on his own? Cho had had enough of this crap, he should finally find out the truth. _

_"Jane, what am I supposed to say? She is pregnant and can't obviously handle this on her own. She pretend to be okay, but she is not. She still misses you, you idiot. Wing your damned ass here. I mean it! Did you want to know such things"? _

_"She's pregnant?! By whom"? _

_Silence. Cho rolled his eyes. It was obvious, wasn't it? _

_"What do you think Jane? Hm"? _

_He heard Patrick gasp on the other end of the line. _

_"No. No, that can't be…whew that can't be" he gasped for air. "Cho, come on…- "_

_Quiet. It needed some minutes until Patrick calmed down, Kimball had sat down in the meantime. _

_"I'll come. I'll come to Austin, I'm in a couple of days there".~_

Cho saw, that Lisbon was ashen and he almost regretted having said a word about Jane.

"He's already calling me for something like 5 months or so. Usually when he's drunk, but he lives, therefore he seems to be okay".

He found that he had to be, at least now, honest to her.

"Do you know where he is"?

"No"

Cho viewed to the wall number, 13. He had to ask her his single question now, before the door rose.

"Do you still want him to come back?"

It was like Lisbon froze. She forgot to breathe and her eyes became damp. The thought that he could come back, if he found out that he was having another child, had come to her previously yet not at all. Yet this question let her become reflective. She wasn't certain. Not anymore. She had always wanted it, she had lain in her bed for nights and she had cried and prayed that he would come back. Yet he had remained away, no sign of life, nothing. Then these nights had become weeks and now it was already six months. Six months in which she had learned to play on her own. He was an ass to go away simply. To just go away without saying anything, after they had made love twice that night. But the stupidest thing was that she still loved him. She was still so hard in love with him, that was and still is the truth and Teresa recognized it at this moment.

The elevator stopped and Lisbon couldn't do anything but regard at Cho. In the end she went out of the elevator and new Agents of the FBI stormed in. She threw her still half full goblet with slat Macchiato into the rubbish and went to her own work place without giving Cho an answer.

**A/N: If you like this story just a little bit, plz leave a review. It would mean the world to me. I'm serious guys. I begin to doubt on myself.**

**-A x**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I do got a new phone, but the rights of The Mentalist weren't included, that means no, of course. **

**A/N: Well, friends of the night (gosh I sound crazy xd) here's chapter 4, after reading !4! lovely reviews I'm feeling very lightheaded. Actually I wanted to write the ultrasound appointment wheares this chapter, but this turns out to be a very long story. I'm shocked:D I'm trying to have not more than 1500 words per chapter, so I think there's a lil cliffhanger at the end. **

**Enjoy x**

**I'm so sorry if there're any mistakes. Just tell me, I'll correct them.**

**Oh yeah another thing: The thing with "the maternal instinct" is not existing, well maybe it does but I just made it up. So you don't have to tell me. It's from my fantasyworld xd**

Chapter 4

A few days later in the afternoon, Teresa got into her car and picked Kim up in front of her little house. Fischer had a big basket of muffins in her hand and while she got into her friend's car she gave Teresa a muffin.

"Hey."

"Hey. Thanks for the muffin. "

Immediately Lisbon bit into it. The baby forced her to eat almost everything that lay in her path.

"It's my pleasure, I've made chocolate banana, especially for you girl. I know how much you like them, since the little sparrow has taken the command. "

Both grinned.

Today was a good day. Kim had Teresa finally persuaded to set an ultrasound appointment. For Teresa, it was the first one and she was a bit curious about what she would get see. So far, she always had certainly depressed, but now, not anymore. The talking with or to her belly had made it. It was incredibly difficult to talk to her baby as an 'it', as if it'd be an object. Not her unborn child. Kim was right, it was very important to see if everything was okay with her baby, after all, she was no longer in her twenties. A year ago she had thought that she was really too old to have a child and now she sat there. Six months pregnant and the father didn't even know that he would soon become a father because he was already cut off for half a year. Maybe he'd have to deal with the anxiety, but Teresa hadn't still found a reason why. It was crazy. A month ago she was a lot more anxiety about that whole thing, but now, since Kim helped her, she felt somehow different. Better. Stronger. Kim had also noticed and even if she hadn't said anything yet, everyone could feel how proud she was of her friend. Teresa was so strong.

"What do you think, boy or girl?" Kim asked from the passenger seat. "Do you have a maternal feeling?"

Kim had read in many pregnancy books about a 'maternal instinct'. As she read, the expecting mothers were correct in more than 70% of cases.

Teresa glanced away from the highway. She had always imagined that it would be a little girl.

She smiled slightly. "A girl."

"Ah?"

Kim thought this was an interesting conjecture. Maybe it had something to do with Lisbon's three younger brothers and that she had virtually raised them as sons. That would be a reasonably plausible explanation for why she was hoping for the opposite sex. But she was wrong. Teresa had sworn when her mother died that if she should become a mother of a girl, she would give her daughter the name of her own mother. And she really wanted to do it, there wouldn't be another chance.

Today was just fine, the baby was kicking in her belly and Teresa really wanted to know whether it was an active boy or an active girl. Meanwhile Lisbon had resigned. She would probably never see Patrick again. And the only thing that remained to her of him was this child. She saw it as a gift. Her daughter or her son was a gift and she was beginning to be happy about that. Maybe this crap was turning into a good thing.

Over the last three days Lisbon had been nervous that Jane would rise up, but nothing had happened. Cho hadn't received a call or a message. Therefore, she assumed that Cho hadn't told Jane about her pregnancy. She had known that it would be the easiest way to just ask him but she hadn't dared. So she had gone out of his way and had avoided eye contact.

"Did you know that Jane is calling Cho from time to time?"

Teresa had Kim told nothing of the conversation, neither the conversation nor the content, until now. She'd had no desire to talk about the guy who left her simply.

Kim pulled for air sharply.

"Whew, no. No, of course not..." She looked at Teresa. "Uhm, what… what do you say… about that?"

Lisbon squeezed her feet a little tighter on the accelerator.

"What am I supposed to say, he's gone. We had a relationship, well almost, and he ran away from it. Maybe it was too real for him. Too perfect. I don't know. Anyway, he's gone and I won't say anything about that."

She blinked the tears away which had formed. She quietly added after a short pause: "I'm kinda hurt. It's like pain, although I shouldn't be..." A tear rolled down her cheek. Hot and fast.

Kim reached out her hand and touched Teresa's shoulder. It looked like Teresa would throw back into a helpless bundle.

"Do you still want him to come back?" The same question as Cho had asked.

Teresa moaned softly and tried to concentrate on the road.

"I don't know."

YES. Yes. Of course I do, she thought. She would, even now, do anything to feel this feeling again. It had been perfect.

_~They sit in front of the couch on the carpet. Patrick tucks a piece of chocolate into Lisbon's mouth while squinting downwards to her King Candy cards. As she noticed she cries, doesn't caring that her mouth is full: "Hey, stop cheating!" _

_Then she takes a sip of soda. He can't help it, he has to smile at her. She grins back, then she leans forward and presses her lips to his. She let her tongue slide into his mouth whereas she places her hands around his neck. Teresa begins to nibble gently on his lip and notices his softly groan. Just because she wants to, she let one hand wanders over his upper body down further. She gently pushes her hand between his thighs. Then she opens her eyes and let her gaze flitting over his cards. She deepened the kiss and tried to remember his cards. Suddenly he opened his eyes and for a moment they both just stare into each others's eyes. Teresa's are dark green and big, Patrick just loves them. They're honest._

_"Hey! I saw it. You looked at my cards too... Don't look so innocent at me now. "_

_Teresa giggled. _

_"You're also cheating." _

_"Reese, don't start. Please. I just wanted to make sure you're having the maps I thought you're having." _

_It's so funny to discuss with him. _

_"Yeah, exactly, you really don't need it. You are King Candy. And don't call me Reese, you know I hate it."_

_He looks at her with a look of longing. Instantly Teresa knows what he's up to. _

_"Exactly, and I'll show you what I can do as King Candy, __**Reese**__" _

_He smiles his 1000 Volt smile._

_Jane drops his playing cards and leans forward to show it to her. Then he grabs her waist and pulls her closer. Both are laughing while falling down. Teresa can't stop laughing. Only when he begins to pepper soft kisses on her skin and first waves of arousing flooding through her veins she pauses. Patrick takes the rest of the cards from her hand away and begins her snatch her T-shirt as he hears a barely audible whisper. _

_"... love you" _

_It feels as if his heart stops beating for a short time. Shortly afterwards, hammering wildly in his chest again. No woman had ever dared to say these three words to him, after his wife was murdered. No one. It scares him and he doesn't know how to deal with it. _

_But the worst thing was that he couldn't return it. He was scared. _

_And that scared him. _

_But he did know he wanted her. He wanted her very hard. _

_He undid the clasp of her bra and when she was on top of him, he forgot everything. He felt lightheaded and excited at the same time.~ _

It was painful to even think about how perfect it was. But all the memories bubbled piece by piece to the surface now and they were too intense to not resist them.

Why did he left without saying a word? asked Teresa herself, probably the 1000 times.

The little creature in her began to kick and unconsciously she grabbed at her extended belly and stroked it lovingly. For the very first time on her own.

**A/N: Plz leave a review, they make me so happy:D the more reviews the more I'm encouraged the more faster updates.**

**Hey, maybe Jane's up next. I haven't forgotten him. Just wait and you'll see, while waiting a review would be really nice. xxx**

***cry* so sorry for my bad english, it turns out I'm not as good as I thought I am. It sucks.**

**-A x**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: Sad but true, no:D Nothing is mine.**

**A/N: Yeah, this is a faster update:D **

**The first few lines are from a song called "Remember when by Chris Wallace". I just heard it this morning with my headphones in bed and thought it would fit in here. A year ago, this was my fav song... everytime I hear it now... well it reminds me of so much, memories from my childhood but also from 2013... _The good old times xd _**

**Enjoy :3**

**Maybe there'll be a lil surprise in the end... lil lil. Please do purely interpret everything I haven't advertised. **

**Again: Sorry for any mistakes, tell me I'll correct them x**

Chapter 5

_**So can we push, push, push rewind. Go, go, go back in time, when we were kids sneaking bottles of wine. Take, take, take me back. I want to go back, back to what we had. **_

_~He groans. Teresa kisses him quickly on the mouth and wraps her arms around his neck and runs her hands through his curls. His wonderful soft curls. He feels at least as hard as the carpet beneath his back. When they roll to the side, something below them grinds, which triggers almost a laughing fit of both again. At first he allowed her to take the lead, but as he can't stand any longer, he takes her wrists in his hand and holds them over her head. Seconds later he thrusts into her and starts a steady pounding rhythm. Her fingernails scratches into his back, marking him as hers. "More," she groans. He definitely is King Candy in here.~ _

Teresa hoped that it happened the second time. The memories of the second time that night were unique. Their first time having sex, then the childish games and the cheating, the laughter and then… it was them, making love. God, every fiber of her body wanted to feel that night again.

~ ... ~

A quarter of an hour later Lisbon and Fischer were sitting in the waiting room of the doctor's office. They didn't have to wait long until Dr. Montgomery came and said that they should follow her.

Dr. Montgomery was a very cheerful person, very sincere and woken.

"Hello Ms..." She looked at her documents. "…Teresa Lisbon. We never had the pleasure before, hadn't we? "

"No, not yet." Lisbon replied sheepishly, while she looked around the small room. There were baby pink curtains. Holy shit, she thought.

"I see, you want to have an ultrasound. Well, are you already excited? Is it your first child? "

The doctor went over to the patient cot to the ultrasound machine and began to warm up the gel.

"Come, Come here, your friend can come with you, if you want."

She pointed at the patient cot. "Just sit down."

Lisbon smiled uncertainly and sat down.

"Yeah, yeah that's perfect. And now please pull your blouse up and your pants down, yeah exactly just a little bit. "

Dr. Montgomery paused, this woman didn't look happy. She decided to hold back a little from now on.

"I've warmed the gel up for you." The doctor took the instrument in her right hand and smeared the warm sticky stuff on Teresa's round belly. "I'm going to look at first if everything's okay with the baby. How are you doing? "

The sincere sympathy of the doctor drove a few tears in her eyes, but she held them back. She blinked a few times, then she looked up.

"Yeah, I'm fine." She tried a smile, one of those which she had practiced in front of the mirror at home for months.

"You just have to say if you've any complaints, I can prescribe you something."

Dr. Montgomery was trying to warm up with the woman.

"No, really, I'm good."

"Okay."

She ran the ultrasound machine a little further to the left side. Lisbon wasn't going to say anything about her own condition. Suddenly she occurred that she hadn't even asked whether the mother was interested to know her baby's gender.

"So, it looks like the baby is healthy." She grinned broadly at Teresa. This one closed her eyes and sighed in relief. "Do you want to know your baby's sex?"

"Yeah, I'd like to." Teresa was getting impatient.

The doctor ran the machine a few times over Lisbon's extended belly and it seemed like she couldn't see.

"Meh, she hides… oh yes, but... here... exactly." She pointed to the screen right next to Kim, who hadn't said anything yet. "It's a girl."

Lisbon turns her head to Fischer, "maternal instinct, eh?"

Kim nodded and grinned bright. She knew that it was good that it was a girl.

Teresa noticed, slightly surprised, that she was happy.

"Do you want a picture of the ultrasound? I can give you a couple of large and small pics." Dr. Montgomery waited for no answer, she just began to print.

"Thank you," Lisbon said while going out. She was struggling with tears, again. That was only those stupid pregnancy hormones, "for the photos and… thanks." She smiled.

She would have a daughter. She would become a mother. Jane and she had a daughter. The little one had a huge head and a beautiful snub nose on the black-white pics, which leads to make it even more truthful. It was real. Not a dream that was the reality. Teresa was looking for Kim's hand and squeezed it, when she found it. Her heart was beating really fast.

During the return trip, both were very quiet, it was gloomy outside and both hung after their own thoughts.

Teresa put her hand again on her extended stomach. Her daughter struggled against her hand and she couldn't do anything but nudge back. She realized that she was no longer able to give this little creature away, she would keep her daughter. Her thumb painted small circles on her belly and she was surprised about herself. When did that happen? How did that happen?

"Do you still have muffins?"

Kim couldn't help but laugh out loud.

"Yeah, wait a second." She rummaged in her box. "You're welcome."

"Thank you." Teresa cleared her throat. "Not only for the muffin, you know, thanks for everything. "

Whew, she was very emotional again.

Kim was serious again. "Hey, you don't have to thank me. I think I love, that we're friends. I... I never had a real friend before."

"Me neither."

* * *

When Lisbon stopped her car in front of Fischer's house, Kim wasn't about to go out. She just stayed inside.

Then Kim reached out her hand and placed it on Teresa's belly.

"You have..."

"Yes I did... I also don't know why it happened. It just felt right. "

Kim looked her in the eyes.

"I'm proud of you." Then she pulled her hand away and got out. "Good night, take care of yourself."

"Sleep well, see you tomorrow."

* * *

Her legs and shoulders did hurt, she was so tired, she just wanted to crawl into bed with her unborn daughter and sleep. But she was also happy, you could see it while she unlocked her front door, she spoke softly to her daughter: "Hey baby girl, it's me. I just wanted to say that I'm glad you're with me." She turned the key in the lock and entered her apartment. "I..." She went into the kitchen and put down her purse and the apartment key afterwards she turned on the light in the living room.

When she saw who was sitting there uncontrolled cry escaped her lungs, she staggered back into the kitchen and slid along the wall to the floor. That couldn't be, she thought. _He_ can't sit in _my_ apartment on _my_ couch, I'm just freaking out, the day was long.

But then she heard footsteps, very, very familiar heavy footsteps. She closed her eyes. Her heart pounded wildly and irregularly in her chest when she heard him speak. She shook her head, not wanting to hear him, not wanting see him. Why was he here? Why did he come back?

Apparently her daughter was uncomfortable with this whole situation, because she was turning forth and back. She kicked that hard, that her mother was gasping after air.

"Go away!"

Then, after a while, she felt his vicinity, apparently he sat in front of her. Then she felt him taking her chin in his hand, with the other he held the back of her head in the right direction.

"Stop it... Teresa, please." Janes voice flooded into her ears. Gosh, she had missed his voice. His sexy dark voice.

She slowly opened her eyes and looked directly into his blue ones. The tears she had held back the whole time were now flowing hot and fast down her cheeks. She sobbed.

He sat in front of her. After six months. She always had wanted him to come back, but in that moment she was run over by her old feelings. The feelings as she had realized he was gone; when the stretch marks had been positive.

Her laboriously re-made world broke.

**A/N: What'ya sayin? Hope, everything is clear, I'm not sure. **

**Please leave a review, I'd really appreciate it. **

**-A x**


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: Why do you even ask?:D Nooo, I'll never own it. **

**A/N: Whew, this is a faster update again. Don't get used to it guys. It's maybe just a phase..**

**Yay, Patrick Jane is back. **

**I need to ask you, I'm planning to write a M-rated chapter... what do u think? Shall I post it? By the way, it would just be in the first section. **

**(_Well this is me, editing this Chapter, I think I won't write a M rated section... I have to decide now, otherwise I can't post a chapter today. Maybe I'll post Chapter 7 as an either... or text and let you decide? GUYS, PLEASE HELP ME :D I have to go to eat...please leave a review if you see this!)_**

**And thanks for 15 review:D awww *0* **

**Enjoy :3**

Chapter 6

The tension was palpable. Teresa had gotten up again and had walked into the living room, Patrick had wanted to help her, but she had pulled away as he wanted to give her his hand. Now they stood in front of the small coffee table. Neither of them had said more than one sentence. Teresa folded her arms under her chest and looked at him defiantly. I her glance he could see hurt and anger.

Jane knew she would, in no case, speak first. And she had every right to do. He was the one who had to find the right words.

"... How are you?"

It was useless to tell her how he had come in. He was Jane.

Teresa's eyes wandered restlessly. Her heart was apparently still a loss, because she felt partly as if some important brain cells would die. She knew no more words. She knew nothing anymore.

She wanted to say something, but no sound came out, after few seconds she tried again.

"Fine, considering..."

Jane had the need to scream, like that, they were getting nowhere. He had to find the right buttons and press them.

"Cho told me that you ... that you're pregnant." God that was much harder than he had imagined it to be. "When I got it, that this is my child, too, I immediately went to find a plane."

"Oh." Cho had him told him. Why? He had no right.

"Okay Teresa," he wondered, suddenly quiet, how it would be having sex now. Really angry sex. "I've found my own farewell letter a few hours ago. You've never read it. "

He had pressed the right button.

"Farewell letter? You wrote me a suicide note? When? "

"In the night... when I left you. I think you should read it, I always thought that you would find it. "

"Where was the letter?"

Jane went to the couch, picked up the envelope with the letter and gave it to her. Her fingertips touched his briefly, gently.

"Behind the tea bags on the shelf."

"I don't drink tea."

She opened the envelope.

"I thought you would eventually throw all my tea bags away."

Lisbon almost grinned, she had smashed pictures and objects by him to the wall, but she had never dared to touch the teabag cabinet.

She opened the letter and began to read.

Even as she read the first line hot tears shimmered in her eyes.

_Dear Teresa. _

His handwriting. Its curved T. His farewell letter.

Subconsciously, she grabbed at her swollen belly. The little lady had calmed down.

_If you're reading this, you'll be most certainly damned mad at me, but Reese, please read the letter 'til the end before you tear it. _

_I'm sorry, believe me. _

_I never meant to hurt you, but I can't stay._

_I heard you say these three words while we were making love and I couldn't return them. _

_I do care about you. _

_But I'm not good enough for you, I can't say them anymore, not because they wouldn't be true, but because it's not working. _

_You deserve someone better than me. _

_I'm afraid that I could turn into an unfeeling monster. Red John has destroyed me. You try to hide it, but the truth, Teresa is that there is no future. _

_We have to be honest to ourselves and the chances that I'll ever bring these three words over my lips again are too low. _

_If I ever can tell you them, we are too old, too old to have children and too old to raise a family. Or do you want to be with a man who never says he loves you and more importantly start a family? Marry him? _

_I'm sorry, I wish the circumstances were better, I would be better. _

_Please don't try to look for me, although I'm 88% sure that you're far too sour to do that._

Lisbon had been searching for Jane, she had given FBI search messages out, had gone after the smallest clues, but when she noticed she was pregnant after four weeks, the hole was too deep. Far too deep to get out alone. She fell. She fell deeper and deeper and soon there was not much left from Senior Agent Teresa Lisbon. She was stuck in a hole. Pregnant. Until Kim came looking for her, finding her crushed on the toilet. Since then she was steadily improving and trying to not think about Jane.

_You're the best that happened to me, since Red John killed my family. _

_I'll never forget you. _

_-Jane _

Jane had watched her while reading. She had changed, obviously. He was still not over the fact that he would be a father again. He hoped that it would be a boy. But seeing Lisbon, Reese, standing there, made everything real. She looked beautiful. Her eyes just had such an insane look of hurt. Her previously brown hair was now even darker, with a glimmer of... purple. Probably she had dyed her hair and it had gone miserable, so that she had tried to color it again. The idea of Lisbon dying her hair into purple was somehow slightly amusing. Her fingers and wrists looked much thinner. Her legs although.

The only thing that had become way larger was her belly. It looked already really big at her tiny body.

They were suddenly so strange.

And that made her anger rise.

"You're so selfish! We could have done it, if you would have stayed we would have done it."

She slapped him right across his pretty face.

"You son of a bitch."

Jane was quick, before she could strike again, he grabbed her hands and held them over her head. Like before, six months ago, in the same place, in front of the couch.

"I don't care that you can't say them."

Patrick looked at her. Her eyes were red and she looked defiant.

"No, you do care."

"And even if, THIS IS MY DECISION. You can't just go away because you assume that I wouldn't stand it with you. It's been my fucking decision. "

Patrick's fingers bit into her wrists, she tried to pull away.

"I hate you."

He took a few steps towards her. Finally, he was so close that he could feel her baby bump on his body.

"I know."

She looked up at him from below.

"Go away!"

But he made no effort to move. Instead, he dropped her right hand and took her head in his free hand. He was so close. Teresa could feel him, smell him. If she wanted to she could touch him.

"I want you to stay."

She was shocked, had she really just said that?

Patrick knew what she meant, she wanted him to be near to her daughter, as a father.

"I won't go, I'll stay. For our son. "

Teresa took a deep breath. She should try to look around for a new heart, she thought, before hers would final be a waste. She knew it would be difficult for Patrick to learn that he wouldn't have a son.

"Girl."

"What?" He breathed.

"We're having a daughter. Today I was at the ultrasound."

"Oh."

The memory of his first daughter was hard. It still did hurt him to think about her, it was his fault she was no longer there, but the thought of having a daughter again was different. It was terrifying. Not, that he wouldn't love his second child because of her sex, it just would be even harder if his second daughter would look similar to Charlotte, that would change things again, it would be hard because every time he would see her, he would think about Charlotte.

"Patrick..." for her own horror she felt she was getting wet. She wanted him. Here and now. His presence and closeness made her feel arousing.

"Patrick, I really want you to stay. For our daughter, but if you can't, if...- "The idea of that he wouldn't remain for her but for their child hurt her more than she would ever admit to herself.

"I can do this. Charlotte is not her." He pointed to her belly, which was still pressed against him. "She will never be Charlotte, because you are not Angela."

Suddenly there was a silence. Only for a few seconds, then she felt his lips met hers.

**A/N: I'll explain more in the next chapter, sry guys for a cliffhanger:D **

**Yeah, and don't be mean, no one has ever left me for half a year... :/ **

**Again: I'm sorry for any mistakes, tell me, I'll correct them. **

**Please leave a review:D I love reading them! xxxxxx *bigkiss***

**-A x**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: No.**

**A/N: Whew-.- This one let's not talk about it. I just say: this one was hard. I don't know why.**

**No one told me that it would be okay for u to write a M-rated chapter so.. well, this just a normal one. Without a flashback :( it just didn't fit in here.**

**Enjoy x**

**Sorry, I'm worried, the language is even worser this time. Sorry :(**

**Chapter 7**

Last chapter: (Suddenly there was a silence. Only for a few seconds, then she felt his lips met hers.)

"No, stop."

Lisbon struggled, fighting with her free arm against him, she almost won, but Jane was faster, again. He grabbed her wrist again and held it over her head. He wanted her. He kissed her neither slowly nor gently his tongue delving into her mouth without any permission.

At first she resisted, but after a few seconds she arched almost impossible closer to him. She kissed him back. She deepened the kiss and began to sob.

"Patrick ..."

Teresa turned her head to the side. She wanted, she really wanted to, but she couldn't. There were still too many questions unanswered. She didn't want to be used by him again.

Quite unexpectedly Jane let Lisbon go and she stumbled a bit backwards. Immediately she wanted him to come back and held her, she wanted him to held her and never let her go again. Actually that was ironic, because just minutes ago she had defended against him. Patrick sat down and rubbed his eyes and temples. That would be a long night.

"I'm sorry."

Teresa stroked a few strands of hair from her face, pulled her nose up and slowly sat down next to him. She looked into his eyes, wanted that this was just a normal evening in the family. Or a dream.

Many questions were still outstanding. And over time they would bubble to the surface and could no longer be stopped, but at that very moment they just sat there. None of them wanted to ask.

"I..." Lisbon stood up. "I'm hungry. Well, we..." She rubbed her extended belly, it felt good to know that she wasn't alone. "Do you... uh do you..." Why was that so damn hard? "Come with me and help me making something."

Patrick was surprised he hadn't thought that it would be like that. Lisbon was still very strong. Any other woman would have thrown him out of the house and told him to go to hell. As she looked at him pleadingly, he suddenly knew why. Under her anger she was still a little bit in love with him. She didn't want him to leave, but she didn't want him to stay, too. She wasn't sure what she wanted. She didn't know what to expect from him. Reese was still pretty easy to read.

"Okay."

She didn't want to talk about the kiss. Well, okay.

* * *

The little sparrow was hungry for spaghetti and tomato sauce.

While Jane opened the bag with the powder for the sauce, Lisbon was putting the spaghetti in the pot with the bubbling water. He stood very close to her, as he began to stir the tomato sauce with a spoon so it won't fell among. Suddenly Patrick had the idea to offer Teresa a spoon with tomato sauce. Her look was simply divine, as he held out his spoon and said "Try. Is the sauce finished? "

Lisbon took a deep breath. "Give it to me."

But Jane liked the funny idea of feeding Lisbon with a spoon more. As Lisbon wanted to take the spoon, he turned away.

"Let me do that." He said with a very soft voice. He gently put a hand around her neck and held the full spoon in front of her mouth. "You'll have to open your mouth," he chuckled.

He felt her pulse violently struck on the neck, as he took the spoon in her mouth. Carefully.

They stood facing each other, holding eye contact, she really wanted to know what he thought, but his eyes didn't betrayed his thoughts. Apparently he seemed amused by her uncertainty. Then he pulled the spoon out of her mouth and asked, "And? What are you saying?"

She swallowed. Where has all the air remained, she thought?

"Good." She turned to look after the spaghetti. "Perfect."

She stirred them around a couple of times briefly and decided than that they could withstand a few minutes. She slowly crouched herself in front of the shelf and opened the drawer with the breakfast items. Cereals and all that stuff where inside there. Then she actually took a Nutella jar out, she took the spoon out of Patrick's hand and tucked it in. She could see Jane's questioning look out of the corner of her eye. After she had eaten two spoonful she asked him if he wanted something too. He hadn't known she was one of these pregnant women. Apparently she liked Nutella and tomato sauce…

"Seriously?" He chuckled slightly.

She smiled slightly. It was so much easier here in the kitchen. It did her good to easy skirmish around a bit as if he hadn't been away for 6 months, where ever.

"I've not anymore the command over my body... My... Our daughter wants Nutella, she gets it."

He wanted to touch, to kiss her, tell her that he had been an idiot and would remain now. That he would do anything to be good enough for her. Tell her that he loved her. Instead, he brought silverware and plates from the shelves and carried them to the table in the living room. Earlier they had always liked to eat on the couch. Maybe they would eventually re-create this human being. Shortly thereafter, Teresa came with the spaghetti into the living room.

The memories were suddenly there again. So close and frighteningly real.

Jane took the tomato sauce and they began to eat.

They were both pretty quiet at first, they reveled in old memories but then, the inevitable questions were bubbling to the surface.

"Where were you?"

Patrick had known she would ask him this question at first. Of course he had.

"South Africa." He thought of the heat and dirt. "Short term in Singapore."

"Why?"

"It was so dirty in my hut, I thought I'm freaking out." After a short pause he added. "I thought I'm freaking out because you weren't there."

"Jane..." Uh, she had really called him Jane. "You could've come back anytime. Please don't ...-" Lisbon fought briefly with tears. "... You have no right to say..."

"Teresa. I do know that I have no right to, but still my separation from you was hard. It did hurt. I've missed you." Now the tears were flooding down her cheek, he lifted his hand and wiped them away. She kept quiet, didn't flinch, but said nothing. "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry that I hurt you too, that I put you through hell. I thought you were better off without me. You deserve someone better, stronger than me. Someone who's in peace with themelves."

"Patrick, no matter what you say or do, it doesn't take me away from you. I fucking can't love someone else. Because of you. It'll always be you. I want you to stay here and show me that you can be the man I deserve. We can do this." Her voice was a little louder now and she straightened up. "If you go, if you'll go again, we won't make it. If you leave again, there won't be another chance for us... we have no chance if you go again. But if you'll stay, try to be stronger and better, then... -. "

"I'll try. Teresa, I'll try to stay." He whispered. Inappropriately he remembered at that moment that he hadn't booked a hotel room and most likely sleep under a bridge. He looked down and thought about it.

"What is it?"

"Nothing, I… Nothing."

"Patrick." She gave him a dirty look. "What did I just say?"

Guiltily he looked at her. "I have to sleep on a park bench tonight."

She moaned softly. She didn't know whether she would be able to sleep if she knew he was lying on the couch below. Probably this isn't standing on the first page of a 'How do I save my relationship' book: _Let you ex-boyfriend sleep on the couch after he was selfish and did hurt you for six months_. But did she really want to let him sleep on a park bench? Would she sleep better knowing we was out there?

"No, you'll stay here."

**A/N: Hey, if you're the first one leaving a review to this chapter you're number 20 *0* but 21,22,.. are also cool guys x)**

**-A x**


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: Nothing's mine.**_  
_

**A/N: okay, this is settled somewhere between Ch 7 and 9. ****I know, it's something like a songfanfic... some of you won't like it. I'm sorry for that. But this is all I can do at the moment. **

**Song: Where do I even start by Morgan Taylor Reid**

_-Teresa had always loved hearing that song. She had heard it probably every night while crying since Jane had left her. _

_That night, she heard it again.-_

_My heart is broken_

_Somebody fix it_

It had been three weeks. Three weeks and two days, to be exact. It hurt her impossibly more every day. He was no longer there, no one was there. She was alone, alone in her bed. She missed his heat, his body, to fall asleep in his embrace. His kisses.

Today was a bad day, she rolled forth and back in her bed, but found no rest. She wanted to rip out her fucking heart.

A tear rolled down her cheek, Teresa wiped it away, hastily. Today she wouldn't cry.

_My walls are closing in_

"Hey! I think you've forgotten something. "

A good-looking man ran after her. She turned slowly around. And if, she thought, it doesn't matter. She looked at him, he held her FBI-brand in the hand.

"Oh, yeah... That's mine. Thank you. "

She smiled at him sadly.

"I know that this is very spontaneous now, but maybe you want to go out with me for dinner sometime?" Teresa looked at him in astonishment. "I'm Ryan." He laughed, "I know your name from your brand."

She had no air for breathing any more, this man seemed to be really nice, sexy.

"I'm sorry, I ..." She was close to tears, but only the pregnancy hormones were to blame. She didn't show it yet. Nobody knew she was pregnant. "I can't. I'm not ready again. Not yet"

And this damn nice man smiled at her. He understood. He went away and she stood there.

_Caught in a deep hole_

_Stuck at the bottom_

You could almost see her fell. She let go of the stretch marks, it ended on the floor.

"God," she prayed. "I'm cold. Please make that floor in the bathroom is turning warm again. "

She wasn't able for more. Of course she would keep this child. She was Catholic and worked for the FBI, she was a homicide investigator.

And it was Jane's.

She sat all night on that cold bathroom floor. Stunned and alone.

_Trying to reach for help_

_Slow the clock that's ticking loud_

_I feel that time is running out_

_And all that's left to do is let it wind down_

With the time her tummy was getting bigger. The time passed so quickly. Too fast, how should she deal with being a mother in 5 months?

A few weeks ago she had for the first time felt as her child kicked.

That made it even more real, but as soon as the baby stopped there was nothing more. The time passed and she tried to forget.

Which was impossible.

_Where do I even start_

_To pick it up when it's falling apart?_

_Where do I even start?_

_Why does it seem so hard?_

"Teresa… please" Kim knocked on the door of her apartment. Abbott had applied her to knock for so long and until Lisbon would finally opened the door. He was worried, she hadn't showed up for work, what was untypical for her. "Well, you go out there and... if you won't-"

"I don't know how."

Kim leaned her head against the door.

"Okay, you open the door and let me in. Everything else will clarify… Has somebody died? "

Teresa opened the door. The first thing Kim saw was Teresa trembling. Her teeth were chattering and she shrugged. She looked ill.

"What happened?"

"I'm pregnant. What am I supposed to do now? "

_Opened the door_

_Into a nightmare_

Teresa woke up bathed in sweat. "It was just a dream, just a nightmare"

Jane wasn't dead. He wasn't somewhere out there in the forest, slashed and lifeless.

She gasped. What if?

_Wish I could go back home_

~ I'm sorry, I wish the circumstances were better, I would be better. ~

Nothing had changed, Jane couldn't go back. She was better off without him.

He closed his eyes. She was the second woman he had lost. He was the one to blame for everything. It was his fault. He felt guilty, but he couldn't go back.

_Where do I even start_

_To pick it up when it's falling apart?_

_Where do I even start?_

_Why does it seem so hard?_

"Teresa, this is NOT difficult." Kim sighed. "You just go in the store and pick a pack of hair dye. Green would be nice, would suit you. "

"I don't know ..."

In those moments she was little Reesa, the little girl from the past, lying next to her mother. Not a Senior Agent.

"Teresa, Jane is gone. And he will probably not come back; the most logical step after a breakup is to dye their hair. This is the point at which you have to move on."

**A/N: Please tell me my biggest mistakes, I'll correct them :)**

**&amp; please leave review x**

**-A x**


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: Nope:D The wonderful Bruno Heller owns it. **

**A/N: Hey guys, sorry for not updating yesterday. I had enough time, but no ideas...and when I had one, it was already 9pm and I just wrote a lil bit over 600 words in German. Anyway, here's chapter 9.**

**Enjoy x**

Chapter 9

The next morning, Lisbon went to work, as she had entered the living room at home, Jane hadn't been there. Even when she had looked in the bathroom and in the kitchen, she hadn't found him. Easily upset she had finished dressing and had driven to the FBI.

Now while she was walking to her desk and putting down her bag, she saw Jane's jacket lying on his couch. No one had put the couch away after he was gone and every time Lisbon had been walking by, what was every fucking day, she had felt the need to rip out her heart, because it hurt so much. Once, she had even tried to push it away -what didn't work out. The only thing that had caused was that Lisbon thought she had a hamstring.

The jacket which was lying there was clearly the one of last night. That meant either Jane had been here and had forgotten to pick up his jacket afterwards or, what was more likely, he was still here.

She sat down carefully. Her little daughter was apparently in a bad mood that Lisbon had only drunk a cup of coffee, because she constantly kicked her mother unexpected in the side.

Where was Jane, Lisbon wondered why had he already been away when she woke up, again?

At this moment, Abbott came out of his office, he laughed. Then he turned around and Lisbon saw Jane also broadly grinning while coming out of the room. When Jane saw Lisbon sitting there on her desk chair, his laugh quickly passed by. She looked grumpy. As their eyes met, he saw that he shouldn't have done that.

Teresa looked hurt.

He said goodbye to Abbott with a light pat on his shoulder and a short, "Thank you Dennis" then he came up to Lisbon. Lisbon looked down.

"Hey."

Lisbon didn't answer. Jane walked closer to her. Closer and closer until he was finally so close that he was touching her.

"Teresa ..."

"Stop talking."

"Reese ..."

"Don't Reese me."

Secretly, she loved it when he called her Reese; it made her feel as if she was something special. As if she would mean a lot to him. But she would never admit it.

"Okay, let me at least explain it to you." He begged. "Please."

Now she looked at him. Invitingly.

"Yeah please. Explain it to me; explain me why you weren't there this morning." Her voice sounded really hurt. "I thought you were gone again forever."

Patrick put his hands on Teresa's cheeks, gently stroking her side of the nose with his thumbs.

"I won't go I already told you. I was here to talk with Dennis ..."

"Why?"

"I'd love to get my old job back."

She looked stunned at him.

"You're really serious? You... you... "

He smiled.

"Yeah."

"And?"

"Dennis has a very soft core. I'm officially consultant to the FBI again. "

Teresa gasped after air and pressed a hand to her left side. Patrick heard her speaking to their daughter in low voice. Very soft.

"Hey... hey there. I know you want to eat something, but give me another 10 minutes then you can have your eggs or whatever... and hey... in the meantime it would be very nice if you could take your elbow out of my ribs ... yeah? "

To hear Lisbon talk with her daughter had something very intimate, it was bittersweet.

"What do you want to eat? I can get it for you. "

"Patrick... you don't have to. I- "

"Reese, just tell me, I'll get it to you."

He loved that look on her when she moaned and let him do what he wants to.

"Eggs would be great… yeah and a donut" She grinned slightly. "Oh and a ham sandwich."

Their eyes met again, he could see that she had been missing these little conversations with him, like him.

"Wait here, I'll be back in 10 minutes." He turned around and shouted, laughing. "Tell our daughter that Daddy is great. Daddy is a bringer of food. "

* * *

Kim Fischer stood in the way, as he wanted to slip past her. He was on his way getting the food for Teresa.

"No."

Jane laughed in disbelief. "Kim, this is childish."

She walked nearer towards him with a cold look on her face. "No!"

Jane tried to turn around and run backwards, but Kim was quick. This time it was him who was arrested. Kim grabbed his arm and flung him back.

"If you hurt her again..."

Oh, that was what this was all about.

"Don't you dare to hurt her again," Kim hissed.

"Kim..."

"You've no idea, really NO idea HOW deep Teresa felt. She was on the floor, on the abyss! "

Patrick was instantly serious. It was clear that he had hurt Teresa, but he had thought, judging by her present state, that it hadn't been so bad for her. She had been angry, had cried a bit, fought with him, but that was normal, normal in the sense that any other woman would've reacted the same way. Given the fact that she had never found his farewell letter he understood her even.

"Kim..."

"No, shut up, Jane. When I found Teresa, she was a helpless bundle. We both know that Teresa is very very strong. She's the strongest person I know. But when I found her there on the TOILET FLOOR... Jane, I thought she'll never be this person again." Kim was lashing close. "But I did it. I was there for her, still I am. She cried for hour in my arms. I was the one who helped her getting over you, who helped her getting out of that hole in which you left her. So, don't you dare to hurt her in any way." She glared at him. "Or I swear to god I'll shoot you."

A few long seconds she looked at him warningly.

"I... I won't ever hurt again."

She nodded. "I hope so… for you."

Then she remembered something.

"I went to Abbott, he told me that you want to be in the same unit as Teresa is again. I told him that this is unacceptable. You're now in the unit of Agent Robbins. He's a fabulous agent and he will put you under control." She smiled shortly.

Then she let go of his arm. "By the way, she likes banana chocolate muffins very much." And left.

Maybe this was the first time in Patrick Jane's life where he wasn't able to form a respond. He swallowed.

He only had this one last chance and he had to use it. It would be difficult. The whole thing would be hard, but that was what he wanted. He didn't want the easy way, had he wanted the easy way out, he would've stayed in South America. But he had become clear with himself about what he wanted. He wanted Teresa and he wanted his second daughter. He wanted to be better this time.

He only had to prove that he was serious.

**A/N: Again: I'm sorry for any mistakes, tell me, I'll correct them. **

**Please leave a review and if you're having some good ideas of how this story should turn, tell me too:)**

**PS: I won't have so much time from now on and that makes me feel sad and a lil sorry. I just wanted to tell you. Around xmas it'll be better I hope. Please don't stop following or sth like that, I'm not giving it up... just the updated will be a lil more like uhm every week or so. **

**-A x**


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: If I'd own it, I'd be very rich, but unfortunately I do owe my parents still a lot of money for my new phone. That means no:D Nothings mine. Still.**

**A/N: This chapter was pretty much for myself and all of you who just love lil fluff. I just needed sth to relax. Actually it's kinda soothing to write fluff, I should do it more often..xxxx and well it's chapter 10 guys:O When I started whew I actually thought it'll be rest as a one-shot..hehe but here I'm posting chapter 10 now *proud* and well… I still can't see an end. X **

**Oh and guys if anyone's called Gertrud, Rentata or Isolde here, I like you all anyway. Your names are lil unique and beautiful x)**

**Hope you enjoy!:3**

Chapter 10

It was already 8pm and Lisbon had made herself comfortable with a bag of chips and chocolate on the couch when the doorbell rang. First, she thought about just to ignore it, but she knew if it was Jane, he wouldn't stop ringing. Like Kim. She remembered still very clearly as Kim had been constantly ringing at her door almost four weeks ago. Fischer had almost camped there because Teresa didn't want to open. She had known that Kim wanted to talk about Patrick. Of course. After all, it was her who had helped Teresa getting up again, had helped her getting over Patrick and now, she was just being a good friend again. She was just trying to protect her Teresa knew. Because of that she had initially avoided this conversation.

_Teresa sat in front of the couch with a bowl of pudding in her lap as Kim was ringing for the sixth time. _

_"Teresa, I know you're there." _

_It rang again. She pushed a spoonful of pudding in her mouth and stroked a spot on her belly, where she could see the baby pressing a hand to the outside. _

_"Teresa… this is really ridiculous, we need to talk about that. Him. About him… I… "_

_Kim moaned and rang again, Teresa was afraid that was for sure. Jane was there again and she still loved him. Obviously. They just had to talk about it. _

_"I'll sit myself now in front of your door and I promise you, I'll wait until tomorrow morning." _

_Fischer meant it._

Teresa got slowly up and walked to the door. She was wearing her pajamas with the colorful little owls, normally she'd never go like that to open the door, but she was pregnant, very pregnant, and it was in her pajamas the most comfortable. She didn't even try to remove her dark curly hair from her face.

She looked through the door scout for one second. Jane, of course.

_Teresa got up and walked to the door, but not to open it, but to slowly, carefully, slipping down the door. She could hear Kim breathing. _

_"Hey." _

_"Teresa..." _

_"No, I won't open. Please let us talk like that." _

_Kim muttered softly. But she knew that this issue was very sensitive and if Teresa felt safer behind the door, then she accepted that. _

_"Okay." She bit her lower lip. "I told Jane if he'll hurt you again, I'd shoot him." _

_Teresa pulled her legs closer to her extended stomach; the floor was colder than expected. _

"What are you doing here, Patrick?"

He grinned his 1000 Volt smile.

"Being with you, Reese."

She couldn't help, she had to smile at him. Things had improved in the last four weeks. Jane had rented an own apartment quite near hers and was now passing at least every other night. Lisbon liked it. Very. Even though she didn't say how glad she was that he was at least now there for her, as usual. It still hurt a little to know that Jane was only staying for his daughter. She hadn't allowed him allowed to touch her. To feel his daughters kicks her moves or her somersaults. It had simply not been the right time.

He sat in front of the couch on the carpet, watching the chip bag and her nibbled chocolate.

"You really have to feel like an eating machine Reese." He laughed.

She sat down beside him, far enough away that he wasn't touching her, but also close enough that he could pull her in his lap at any time. What of course wouldn't happen, but Lisbon couldn't stop her thoughts. He could put her on his lap and kiss her. He could...

"Yeah, sometimes."

...he could draw her on the waist and kiss her like last time. The memories were so present as their eyes met that Patrick could see what Teresa thought about. He could see that she thought about how it would be to be with him now. Lying in his arms and be held. But she wouldn't make the first step.

_"I don't know. Kim, I don't know."_

_"The only thing you can do is to not let him get close to you. Teresa, I... "_

_"I know and I'll try." She closed her eyes for a brief moment. "Kim... thank you. Really, I'm so grateful that you're there. Although I'm such a mess now. And although I've still helped you with nothing. Kim, if you ever need me, I'll be there. Unconditionally, always. "_

_Kim smiled slightly. _

_"Can I come in now?" _

_The door opened slowly, Teresa stuck out her head. _

_"Yeah, come in, the floor is really cold." _

Lisbon had been distant, initially, in the first few weeks, but now it was a full month and he was still there. With a rented apartment and his old job as a consultant, just in a new unit. It didn't look like he would go again. And they slowly thawed again. A few days ago he had been able to persuade her to look in a small but nice baby furniture shop.

He had bought her a beautiful rocking chair, despite her protests that it was much too expensive.

Jane had bought it for her and his unborn child because he knew she secretly loved rocking chairs and because he really was trying to be the man she deserved. He had known she'd be happy. The smile as she sat down yesterday for the first time at home in the rocking chair was just gigantic. He had seen her eyes sparkle. When she had rocked slowly back and forth, one hand on her extended belly, she was happy. And it had felt strange. It was unaccustomed to can be happy again. Despite everything that was and had happening.

"How are you going to call our daughter anyway? Have you already decided, or may I even bring a few suggestions in?"

She had already decided, just wanted to hear a few names which he would suggest.

"Nothing's certain yet. So well, tell me which names are in your mind?"

Both giggled. Of course, there would no serious names come out.

"I like Gertrud."

She laughed out loud.

"Oh yeah, this one is really great." She looked at him, still grinning. "More."

"Well, what about... Renata and Isolde?

"Yeah, yeah exactly."

She almost fell into his arms, he almost gripped around her waist and set her in his lap.

He became serious again.

"Reese, you've certainly set one already." She made the mistake of looking at him. "Come on, tell me."

She swallowed. Not even Kim Teresa had betrayed the name and said why she didn't like talking about it.

"It's... Patrick it's my mother's name. Katherine. "

He looked gently at her. He should've known. Lisbon and her mother had had a very close relationship until her fatal car accident. He suspected that she'd sworn to name her daughter after her mother many years ago. It was sweet.

"Katherine is a very nice name, Reese."

"Yeah? You like it? "

"Yeah I do, Reese."

He looked longingly at her, right now, right now everything could be perfect. Could. But he had the best part that had ever happened to him destroyed by just walking away, not knowing that he destroyed it at that moment.

"Are you only staying for the baby?" She easily asked him now. She had to know it, needed to know if she still meant something to him.

The look he gave her was enough. He came closer and took her in his arms. Her distinctive scent of cinnamon and strawberries and herself hadn't changed. While he buried his nose in her hair, he breathed it in and out repeatedly. Teresa clung to him.

"No."

Probably the pregnancy hormones, the atmosphere and the time played a big role that she was beginning to be sleepy in his arms. He whispered soothing, tender words into her hair and slowly Teresa slipped away. Patrick didn't stop kissing her head and cheeks. Then he slowly reached out and placed one hand on her baby bump. It was the first time. And he almost had tears in his eyes when Katherine kicked from the inside against his hand. She wouldn't be like Charlotte, never. She'd have her own personality and hopefully the same beautiful, perfectly round emerald green eyes of her mother.

Slightly surprised he also stated he was pleased. He could hardly wait to get to see Katherine. To get to know her.

**A/N: Well, what do you think?**

**Yeah and I wanted to thank every single reviewer. Thanks for these kind reviews, I really appreciate them:D **

**As always: If there're any mistakes, tell me I'll correct them.**

**AND OMG GUYS HAVE U READ IT? THE MENTALIST WILL START EARLIER *-*Nov, 30****th**** *0* 25days.. I am dying. I am so exited. I can't breathe and I can't sleep xd**

**Lots of love xxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

**-A x**


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: Nope, I'm not that cool.**

**A/N: I've had a busy week, this and th****e next few weeks before xmas will be the same. I'm sorry. The last few days I was ill, that's why I had time to write a lil bit in bed xxx**

**And there's another thing: This fanfic will only be about Jisbon and the friendship between Kim and Teresa. Some writers like to add some cases in there but I can't do that. I really can't write stuff like that, that's too complicated for me:D and I'm sorry for that too.**

**Hope u enjoy xo**

Chapter 11

Lisbon gently stroked her baby bump as she got out of her warm bed. Since she had been asleep in Jane's arms two weeks ago, everything seemed more beautiful. Better. When she had woken up the next morning, Patrick had still lain beneath her. He had put a blanket from the couch around her legs and had rested his hand on her belly while her head had lain on his chest. When she had looked up, he had already been awake and had smiled at her. At first she only could stare at him, surprised and happy that he was still there, but then tears had started streaming down her cheeks due her pregnancy hormones and she had buried her face in his neck. Patrick had stroked her hair, making sure she knew he was there for her and whispered soothing words in her ear.

_"It's okay... hey Reese, it's fine, I'm here."_

_She pulled his shirt towards her face trying to calm down._

_"I know... I know."_

_"And you know what; I will always be there from now on. I'll stay here. I... I'm so sorry. "_

_Ultimately, both were sitting in front of the couch holding on tight. It was strange to be with Patrick in front of the couch _again._ Actually, it wasn't strange but beautiful. It was nice to be with Patrick back here. After all. He had said that he wanted the child. Their child. That meant he wanted to help her raising their unborn baby right? He wanted to be part of her live again. But most of all she needed to forgive him at first. Piece by piece forgive him for walking away and trying to understand why he could let her alone for full 6 months after making love, but she couldn't. Not yet, she wasn't ready. Lisbon knew he'd written that he wasn't ready for her in a relationship and that he was too destroyed, but she hoped he had changed now. He had said that he wasn't only staying for his daughter. Even if he hadn't pronounced it that meant that he remained for her. Clearly that they still were in love. And maybe he was ready now. Maybe he would someday be able to say these three most important words. _I love you. _But this time he would have to say them first, because now she was the one who wasn't ready._

_"It'll be okay."_

_When they decided to stand up came no embarrassing mood came out. It was actually more intimate. Both were still very uncertain, but both were comfortable with it._

While she was making breakfast for her and her daughter Teresa phoned with Kim. She made scrambled eggs by request by her unborn daughter. It was really crazy; this little lady inside her had the command over her body.

"For tonight everything is still standing right?"

"Sure." She looked at the clock, the eggs needed a few more minutes. She touched her belly gently, telling her quietly that she'd to wait.

"Shall I bring cake? Cake is always good."

"Kim, it's okay. You don't need to. I really want to hold by birthday party small. There'll be only a few people from the FBI and a few friends. My neighbor and the nice couple from the park. "

"Okay, so I'll bring a cake."

They both laughed.

"Thank you, see you later."

"Watch out and take everything easy, do you understand me Teresa? Let the crates with Cola and water just stand on the ground. See you at work. "

As Lisbon hung up she was still smiling. She was so happy that Kim was always there for her, always ready to help and support her. At first glance, she wouldn't have, but Kim had a big heart with a buttery core.

* * *

Lisbon was wearing black pants and an also black blouse embroidered with small pink roses, she was talking with some guests when the doorbell rang. Kim opened the door and stared speechless at the guest at first.

"Jane. What are you doing here? "

Patrick smiled slightly.

"Also nice to see you Kim, how are you?"

"Jane... where... don't you dare..."

"Kim. It's Lisbon's birthday, I know her long enough to know about her birthday. I even bought her a horse once... Ehm I digress. I won't hurt her again. "

She nodded slowly.

He took a step closer to the door. Fischer looked at him again with her 'if-you-hurt-her-again-I-will-kill-you-look', then she stepped aside and Jane walked into Lisbon's apartment.

When he saw Teresa standing at the window he swallowed hard, his eyes wandered over her small body. Her baby belly had become even larger and rounder and it suited her. She just laughed at a joke to an old lady who was in front of her, her dark hair was falling down her shoulders in curls and she was holding her belly. Her gaze crossed the whole room once and as their eyes met she quickly told the woman that she had to go to another guest and gave Patrick a sign to go with her to the kitchen.

When he came into the kitchen a few seconds after her she was trying to lift a crate with Cola.

"Teresa, let me do that. This is too heavy, you're pregnant.

"Oh really? Patrick, it's impossible for me to forget that I'm pregnant, there's a huge ball in front of me, but I can do that. "

"Give it here."

His arms went tightly around her body and then he took the box with drinks away for her arms.

"No... Jane... you don't-" She trailed off.

He already had easily put the box on the table in front of her. He paused for a moment standing longer than necessary behind her and breathing her perfume.

Then she turned around. "You really came." She said surprised.

"Of course I came." He looked more closely at her. "You thought I'd go you thought I would just go away again, right?"

She nodded softly. "Since you've stayed overnight two weeks ago I'm waiting for you to leave again even though you said you won't do that.

He took a small step closer to her; he could almost feel her belly with their daughter.

"You don't need to have fear Teresa. I want you to trust me."

"You? Patrick..."

"Let me finish Reese. I won't go." He looked straight into her eyes. "And do you know why?" Now he smiled. "Because I want you. I want you and Katherine."

For a moment there was a pure silence, only the damped shouting outside the kitchen and the clinking of the glasses and the guests' laugh you could hear. Teresa wiped her wet eyes and nodded.

"Okay well and now you're going to get your birthday present."

Jane gave her a flat envelope, hugged her briefly and laughed. "I know, it's not as cool as the horse a bought you once." She grinned at the memory too. The horse he'd brought her many years ago as a birthday present was really memorable and typical Jane. "But please read through at least."

She didn't answer but began to open the envelope. Lisbon couldn't deny that she started to trust him again. It was still not as before, but this was a start, she scanned the letter and began to read it slowly.

_Happy birthday... bla bla bla the usual._

_Even if you're a year older now it doesn't mean you're old yet, because old people can no longer make children and carry them in their uteri for nine months._

Lisbon grinned and looked up at him, that was 'the old' Jane. Patrick chuckled a little, knowing exactly where she was.

_You should know you always were somebody special for me and are always going to be._

That was really sweet of him, she smiled.

_I'd like to invite you for a datnight..._

Teresa looked up, slightly shocked. "Patrick?"

"Reese, come on, we never had a real date, and we know each other for so long..." He trailed off as he saw that she was trying to hide her tears. It touched her. It touched her deep in her heart and soul.

Lisbon couldn't deny that she wanted, that she had previously always wanted. But things were different now.

"I'm pregnant."

"I know it's mine, ours."

"Well, yeah... yes, but Patrick..." She made the mistake of looking into his blue eyes; he kept eye contact and went even closer to her. Now he was touching her extended belly. His hands were grabbing her waist and she shuddered involuntarily. Memories welled up.

_"Hey, stop cheating."_

_"You're also cheating."_

_Then he grabs her waist and pulls her closer._

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yeah, okay."

I'll pick you up at 7pm tomorrow. It'll be fun." She heard his heart pumping in his chest.

They both smiled. Teresa hoped he meant it. If he was going to go away now, she would be permanently on the ground. Nevertheless, she put it all on one map.

"Okay, I'll let myself be surprise by you." Suddenly he was so close. She could hear him breathe. "I think we should uhm go back to the others."

"Yeah, I think so too." he breathed.

This voice was just too damn sexy.

**A/N: Please leave a review and tell me what you think guys!x I really missed reading them in the last couple of days. :D **

**If there're any mistakes, tell me, I'll correct them.**

**-A x**


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: Just no.**

**A/N: Sorry I took so long to update. But I can tell you two good things about this chapter before you start reading. First, this one is very long, it's the longest one I've ever written. And second, there's a lil surprise at the end. ;)**

**Hope u enjoy x**

Without Chapter 12

It was a really nice restaurant, it was old and convenient. The colorful orchids on the dark furniture looked very nice. It wasn't overly chic, with cloth napkins and everything. Lisbon liked it right from the beginning. Soft music played in the background, making the whole mood even nicer. It was so easy... somehow simple. In a very simple way very nice.

Before Jane had picked her up, Lisbon had been so nervous that she had changed her clothes 5 times, until she finally accepted that she was round. 7 months pregnant. Eventually she had chosen a stretchable, but clingy black dress with a dark red cardigan. Fortunately, both had still fit.

Patrick had rung the bell at exactly 7pm, dressed in a _white_ shirt and a dark blue suit. His top shirt button was open and he had looked admiring over her body as he had seen her. He had opened the door of his Citroen like a gentleman and had closed it again.

The waiter led them to their seat and Patrick and Teresa sat down while he lits the candles and put two menus on the table.

"Good evening, my name is Alberto and I'm your waiter for tonight. Do you already know what you want to drink? "

Jane and Lisbon ordered and the old waiter went away afterwards.

Teresa was nervous and Katherine noticed and she didn't like it. She kicked her mother. Hard. So tight that Lisbon gasped for air.

"Oh my ..." She put a hand on her round belly.

Patrick looked tenderly at her. His daughter was very active today. It was so sweet and imitate to see Lisbon dealing with their daughter. But he also looked guiltily. He had lost so much time with them. He wanted to do everything right now, the time they had lost get back.

He looked her straight in the eyes.

"Reese... tell me everything." He looked at her pleadingly. "I want to know everything."

Lisbon put the menu in which she had just looked away.

"Hm?"

His hand rested on hers. "Tell me everything that has happened since I went away..."

Her eyes twitched restlessly. Then she withdrew him her hand.

"Jane... this... this isn't so easy... not now. Don't-"

He suppressed the sadness that rose in him. She hadn't quite forgiven him, otherwise she wouldn't have withdrawn him her hand.

"Please." He didn't want to spoil their evening... but they had never talked about it. About what _s__he_ had done in the six months without him.

"All right. Okay. "

She closed her eyes for a moment, trying to remember. The memories came by itself, lively and colorful. As if it had been yesterday.

"When I woke up the next morning you weren't there, I thought at first that you were probably gone to your caravan to change. I denied myself. I told myself that you had just gone to make yourself fresh. But then you didn't come to work."

Her mouth twisted slightly.

"I tried to call you... but you didn't answer and I started to get worried. I didn't know what was going on and why you weren't there Jane! Then I thought... I thought it was because of me, the fact that you slept with me. Twice in one night. "

Lisbon blushed and looked down.

"I thought you need time, time to process it. I was patient in the first week. Abbott and Fischer were completely upset and I reassured them, pretend that everything was okay. Anyway, after 10 days I asked Wylie to locate your mobile GPS signal. We also found it Jane, a boy had pulled it out of a garbage as it turned out. "

Now Jane also looked away. He couldn't escape the blame which spread above him. He had been stupid. Really, really silly. He loved this woman, had always loved her. And he had destroyed it. He had destroyed the best thing that had ever happened to him. Yes, he had been selfish and egotistical that was something he knew now, but he had thought that he could 'protect' her like this.

Had he just said "I love you" or had tried, had told her to wait for another while… But he hadn't.

There was now despair in Lisbon's tone, her voice was a little higher than usual and she played with one of her dark curls.

"I've given out search messages several times. I followed every damn note Jane. I forgot to eat to sleep."

When Alberto came Teresa stopped talking. Thankful for a little break. The waiter put the drinks on the table. Once a bottle of apple juice after which Katherine had vigorously demanded and how could it be otherwise a cup of tea for Patrick.

"For your special evening." He smiled. "Can I already take your order?"

After writing down the order, he went to the kitchen and for a few minutes it was completely silent. No one said a word, then Lisbon began to talk further. Quietly and with a pained voice.

"I sat after a false note in the park, I felt cold and powerless though the sun was shining. Next to me sat two women... one was pregnant and talked all the time about how much she was looking forward to her son, she asked her friend if she planned offspring in the next time and the other lady replied that she was overdue a few days and then the two rejoiced even more... but I sat there. Totally shocked and counted. I was well overdue and it had been a whole month. I ran to the pharmacy, I bought several tests and drove back to my apartment. Actually, I should've met the others at the FBI again for a short report but... Anyway, when I arrived in my apartment I was actually sure it would be positive. "

Lisbon remembered how she had been sitting with the result on the cold toilet floor.

"To cut it I was pregnant. I'm pregnant."

Ashamed, she remembered how hostile he had been towards her child. She took a sip of the apple juice guiltily and closed her eyes briefly.

Patrick had just listened all the time and felt more and more worse. Teresa deserved someone better, someone who could give her what she deserved. But it was obvious that she wasn't able to get involved with someone else. He looked at his tea which was only lukewarm now.

Her heart only belonged to him. And he had thrown it away when he had gone. He had to cobble the broken pieces together now. It wouldn't be easy, but he didn't want easy.

He looked up in surprise as she began to talk about her past.

"And I was scared. I... I've never ever felt so... so rigid. I didn't know what to do." She swallowed. "Look, with my brothers it had been something completely different. When my mother died and I had to take care of them, because my father was often too drunk, my brothers were already older... I've wanted children 10 years ago with a partner but I was too focused on my career so it didn't work out. But now it has and… Oh god. I never wanted to be a single parent."

It was much harder to tell it as she had thought. Her eyes burned like hell, but she didn't cry.

"As I already told you it scared me to be alone, I didn't have anybody to talk." Now she looked at him and said with a shaky voice. "I fell."

He nodded. Kim had told him about that, but as she was now sitting there, trying not to cry hurt him even more. It was his fault. His mistake. He was to blame, that she was now sitting so hurt in front of him. He wanted to make it good again, he wanted to finally say those 3 words, _I love you_. But now that he was almost ready to he knew she wasn't ready for that. It was complicated.

When Alberto, the waiter who wanted to bring them their main course saw the way she was talking to him, he turned on his heel and walk back into the kitchen. That was not the right time for eating. The two should finish their extremely hard conversation first he thought so he waited patiently.

He sought her hand and rubbed gently with his thumb over her knuckles. "I know... and Reese, Teresa, I'm so-"

"Don't." She cut him off as she withdrew him her hand again. "I didn't want her at first."

Although he understood that she was still very hurt and confused, he was a little sad again that she didn't even gave him her hand. Two weeks ago she had slept in his arms. He looked at her desbelief. That was new to him.

"Of course I knew that I couldn't abort my own baby although I've thought about it for a second, but I still didn't want to keep her later."

At that moment, her voice slipped two octaves higher, not because she lied but because she was ashamed. This was her daughter! Her hand lay on her stomach and stroked it lovingly. It felt quite normal to stroke her belly, but she knew that there had been other times.

"And when I started to show, when she started to move I couldn't touch my swollen belly. I couldn't. I knew that it wasn't her fault that you were no longer there, but mine, but I couldn't touch her anyway. "

It wasn't her fault, but his!

That surprised him even more, judging by her present state, he wouldn't have thought of abortion or blockades with touching. She often puts one hand on her abdomen. It was obvious that she wanted to be Katherine's mother now.

Lisbon's eyes filled with tears.

"Had I known…"

"I know, things have changed. But I couldn't reach you, you know that, I haven't even found your letter... Although the fact that you wrote one and explained why makes it less bad."

She looked at him wondering if he still couldn't say it. Probably they would no longer true anyway. On the one hand she wanted him so much to say it although she wasn't ready for them anymore and on the other hand she knew that she would be ready. She would _become_ ready.

Suddenly her eyes seemed to emerge dark rings. Spraweling on the couch in pajamas would be really nice right now Lisbon thought.

"Anyway... Kim has found me on the ladies' room. I've been really dissolved because Katherine had kicked me and I sat on the floor, she sat down next to me and since then we're friends. She is always there for me, she's helping me through everything. We want to dispel my office at home next week and repaint the walls. Katherine needs a room and my apartment is really tiny..."

A tear escaped her eye but she stroked it away hastily.

"So... that's it." She smiled bravely, though she wanted to cry. To make it happen review had been damn intense.

A few seconds no one said a word. Jane wished he could turn back the time, do it all better.

"Oh... Oh my... Teresa, oh God. Look at me, please." He put her hand in his again and this time she didn't pull it off. "I'm so, so sorry. I wish I had been there for you and her. I promise you, I will try everything to earn your trust again. I didn't realize that it would end like this." He shook his head. Then he said gently, "If you want me to I'd love to take you out more often. Because... I still feel something for you... and I want to work on me. Maybe someday we're both ready to say these three words. You won't be a single parent even if we won't do it I'll be there I promise."

In his eyes glistened tears as he said that. He didn't want to lose her.

Teresa saw that he had severe guilt about that. And rightly so. Despite everything he had done, she still wanted him. He could be so charming and sexy if he wanted. Besides, he had just said that he still had feelings for her.

"Okay... if you're serious then show me. I'll go out with you. "

Then she withdrew her hand and leaned back.

"Patrick, I think we should talk about other topics... you know, this is still my birthday present eh?" She smiled slightly and Patrick thought once again how strong she was.

That's how adults deal with such situations and she was surprised as she noticed that she felt better.

A minute later, Alberto looked out of the kitchen and as he saw that the mood was more relaxed he decided to bring them their food now.

* * *

After they had finished eating it was after 9pm and Teresa was so exhausted that they decided to go back.

The atmosphere had been much better, happier, while eating and Jane could even make Lisbon laugh once. He had loved to see her little dimples again.

When they arrived at her apartment Lisbon unlocked the door, but stopped at the doorway and turned around.

"Thank you." This evening had been really important for them, looking at their history and it felt better knowing that Jane knew about what had happened to her after he'd been gone. They could be much more imitating with each other now. She looked at him, her gaze wandered over his white shirt and stuck on his mouth angle. On both sides were still hanging small chocolate residues from the dessert. She remembered how he had pushed pieces of chocolate in her mouth in _that_ night.

_Patrick tucks a piece of chocolate into Lisbon's mouth then she leans forward and presses her lips to his._

Jane caught her eye and was with her before she could say anything, pressing his lips on hers. He pushed her against the door frame looking down at her for a few seconds. He didn't say anything before he touched her lips again. And neither did she. His hand grabbed her waist and pulled her as close as he could. His heat spreads all over her body making her feel safe and wanted. Lisbon was kind of shocked how much she wanted this because this time she didn't pull away.

This time she pushed back, demanding more.

Her lips parted and Jane let his tongue easily slip into her mouth, he was kissing her hard now, letting her feel that he was serious about what he'd said earlier. He still wanted her.

When the baby in her womb stirred from protest Teresa took a step back.

"I uh..." She blushed and bit her lip.

Jane just smiled and knelt down in front of her. He put his hands on both sides of her big belly and began to talk to his daughter: "Hey little one... I know you probably don't know me, but I'm your daddy. I already love you so much and I can't wait until I can hold you in my arms." His voice was rough and he only whispered. "Let your mom sleep tight tonight, she really needs to get some sleep okay?" Then he kissed her stomach and stood up.

"Good night Reese. We can do it together you see? I'll call you tomorrow and tell you for when I'm planning our next date." Patrick smiled broadly and gave her a gentle kiss on her cheek, which made her feel even more lightheaded and breathless.

Her heart was pounding wildly in her chest as he left, after a while she turned around and went into her apartment.

**A/N: What ya sayin'? Lil surprise eh… I just thought that I have to make things more spontaneously. I think it's good for them. And their relationship moves forward yay x**

**Please leave a review, this chapter is very important to me xxxxx ...and your reviews mean the world to me. **

**As always, if there're any mistakes tell me I'll correct them. (I'm so tired and exhausted, I'll read through it tomorrow myself.)**

**P.S. The matter with abortion… I'm not sayin here which mine position/opinion is, cuz that's a personal thing for everybody and I decided here that Lisbon couldn't do it. For her own personal reasons. All right?x**

**-A x**


	13. Chapter 13

Without Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

**A/N: Sorry guys I always take so much time to update… I really wish I'd more time. **

**Actually I planned to write a totally other chapter here with the second date and more serious stuff, but then I started and I couldn't stop. There're a lot of flashbacks. I hope u enjoy anyway. x**

It was after midnight and Lisbon lay in her bed. The bedspread tightly wrapped around her body, because it was cold. She had turned on the CD player on her nightstand before she had crawled into bed and since then the songs played. The songs she had heard almost every night in the last 7 months and in each verse hung memories and interpretations. In the last few weeks, Teresa had noticed that there were certain songs on the CD which pleased her daughter.

She had always liked "Never said goodbye" and it seemed like Kat did also. While she was just lying there, the baby kicked in her stomach, turning forth and back, squeezing her little fists against her own hand which was resting on her belly.

*_Then the day you left me  
It took me by surprise  
Do you really love me  
Still see it in your eyes_

_But you never said goodbye  
You never heard my cry  
The day you left my side  
'Coz you never said goodbye_

_I live my life alone  
Wondering what went wrong  
You're trapped inside my mind  
You never said goodbye_

_May be I was wrong  
To think that we could ever be  
Was it enough for you and me_

_We could have it all  
It's not too late to realize  
The way we feel inside_

_Then the day you left me  
Took me by surprise  
I know you really love me  
I can see it when you cry*_

This song had always made her cry. She had probably heard it a thousand times in the last few months. The worst had been when she hadn't even allowed herself to sob and the tears had just run down her cheeks. And she just couldn't stop them. For days she had walked around with an earwig of this song.

But it had never been just a song in her head. This song had been able to reflect her overall situation.

There was yet another song Kat liked. It was "Hallelujah". However, it was different with this song than with the other one. When she was kicking hard before, she became quiet through it, as if she would be sleepy. Lisbon had always a sharp pain in the chest, because it was so beautiful. Jane and she had heard it a few times together when their whole thing had come to pass.

_"Stop, go back again, was that...?"_

_Lisbon turned around and looked at him. Jane and she had put her old CD player from her bedroom to the living room and she was picking a song right now._

_"Yep, you want to hear it?"_

_Jane grinned broadly at her._

_"But only if you come and sit with me in front of the couch."_

_Lisbon pressed the play bottom of song number 4 'Hallelujah' and he stretched out his arms to reach for her. As the first notes were heard she was in his arms and he gently stroked her back._

_*I heard there was a secret chord  
That David played and it pleased the Lord  
But you don't really care for music, do you?*_

_"I've always loved this song."_

_"Really?"_

_He chuckled softly._

_"Really Reese."_

_She snuggled closer to him and closed her eyes._

_*Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah*_

She had fallen asleep towards the end of the song, the melody had sung her to sleep and since then she had a hard time to not cry herself to sleep while she heard it.

She snuggled deeper into _his_ shirt which she wore and smiled as a tear ran down her cheek. The tear was full of pain, but also full of gratitude that she had been allowed to live this day and the memory of how she had come to this convenient shirt by Patrick.

It had started when Teresa had told Kim about the kiss as they had gotten off the elevator in the FBI.

_"No, Teresa.", Kim said "Please tell me that you haven't kissed him."_

_Teresa walked through the door of the elevator and turned around._

_"Well, he kissed me."_

Fischer was so ... Teresa smiled at the memory. Kim had acted protectively, which was kind of cute, but she could make her own decisions.

_"You haven't forgotten what he did to you, have you?"_

_Lisbon put her bag on her desk and looked at Kim._

_"No, of course not."_

_She bit her lower lip._

_"Teresa, I'm serious, you need to watch out for your heart, because if he goes again I'm not sure if I'm able..."_

_"I know. Kim I know. But I also know that he's the father. Patrick has said that Kat changes everything and he… He told me that he still wants me. He wants to work on himself and he wants to be there... for both of us. "_

_Now she slowly walked closer to Kim's desk._

_"He wants to stay and we both want to try to say these three words."_

In the end, Kim had acted like a good friend. She had shown her the risks at first, but after that she had told her that she really hoped it worked this time. Kim wanted to see Teresa happy, even if it was with Jane. The man who had broken her heart countless times.

_"The trip this afternoon is still standing, right?"_

_Fischer had seated down at her desk and went through files while Lisbon was sitting at her desk a few feet further back and had nothing to do._

_"Of course." She turned around. "We need to buy Kathy some nice clothes... and these pregnancy books about which I've spoken, you know… I think you should take them home with you."_

_No one had noticed that Jane had come in the bullpen and had heard the last part of their conversation._

_"Good morning ladies. I'm going with you." He chuckled and grinned at the same time. _

_Kim spun around while Lisbon looked at him in surprise._

Lisbon loved the fact that he really tried. Patrick wanted to take part in all her activities, he wanted to be there for her and the baby. Sometimes he was acting like she belonged to him.

Neither Lisbon nor Patrick regretted the kiss; it had only showed how much they still wanted each other. How much they had always wanted each other.

Ultimately, Lisbon agreed and Agent Robbins from the other unit, Jane's boss, had come and had taken him to a crime scene.

_The baby shopping center was full when Fischer, Jane and Lisbon entered it at 5pm. At first they just stood at the entrance and watched the hustle and bustle. There were stressed mothers with crying babies, helpless fathers, and proud grandparents. Lisbon felt slight panic rise inside her that was now her world. There was everything, about clothes to colorful wallpaper for the nursery. She would visit this shopping center, hundreds of times to buy clothes and toys for Kat. She looked at Jane for a moment and he looked back, reassuring her._

_"Oh God, look! There are up to 50% Sale on baby-bodysuits." Kim was delighted by the clothes and immediately ran to catch some of them._

_Jane knew when she would come back later, she would have her two pockets and two arms full of a wide variety of clothes and books. There was no need to worry about her, she would find anything. Actually, Teresa and he could just as well sit in a cafe and wait, but he knew that this experience was extremely important for Lisbon. _

_He had known right from the beginning that Kim was only in the FBI a tough agent but had a very soft inner core, which only came out when she was with her closest friends. Kim would really deserve to be a mother; she would a great one that was for sure. _

_"So... Shall we go in?" She grinned at him nervously._

_He nodded and took her hand in his. "Yeah come on, that'll be fun."_

_Then he pulled her into the crowd. It would be interesting and funny with Kim and Reese, but he knew that many painful memories he had repressed would inevitably come up again._

* * *

_Three hours later they left the department store with many bags full of clothes, but also things like diapers and bath additive. Kim presented the two proudly her prey while they walked to her and Lisbon's car. _

_"These caps were so low and I thought that you would like them. You're cute, aren't they?" Kim had rosy cheeks and looked truly happy. Teresa nodded, the rush and the stuffy air in the mall had dazed her a bit and unconscious she put one hand on her stomach to calm Kat down. The cold night air felt good, but Jane looked at her constantly._

_"I... I'm fine." She whispered in his direction. "Just a little bit… exhausted that's all."_

_"Oh, and I've bought a few pregnancy books for you, you'll love them."_

_Fischer rummaged in one of the many pockets on her arm. "Here."_

_"Thank you. Really, thanks." Teresa smiled at her, her feelings overcame her again and she hugged her friend gratefully._

_"It's my pleasure. See you tomorrow, sleep well! "_

_The two broke apart. "You too."_

_Jane nodded at Fischer and then he and Lisbon turned away and walked to her car._

Teresa turned on the side to find a comfortable position, but it was hard. Her belly was always in the way.

"Hey sweetie, only 2 months left. I'm so excited… but you know… it still scares me a lot." She patted the spot next to her ribs gently. She would give her best to be a good mother for her child. "I know you like sticking your foot under my ribs, but I... it's a little uncomfortable for Mummy." She giggled. "Oh God, this shirt is really too tight on my upper belly . She let the button at the highest point of her belly pop up and shook her head. "Mummy's a thick walrus." She liked talking to her little girl a lot.

_Jane accompanied her to her door and blew her a goodnight kiss on the cheek while he was looking after eye contact. He looked serious._

_"Reese, I..."_

_She stepped back and stared at him with wide eyes._

_"Patrick... this day was really nice, but don't say them. Not yet. Please. Gime more time." Her voice was low. "You know, I'd love to let you stay here, but I can't. Not yet."_

_Jane nodded. He knew she wanted to tell him them as well, but she was still not ready."_

_"I understand." Then suddenly he had an idea and he began to take off his jacket._

_"Jane, what the hell...?"_

_"Take my shirt. Put it on and get used to my scent, because soon I'll be with you every night... At least that's the plan."_

_He slipped out of the shirt and handed it to her while she was staring at his body; she remembered every curve, every bulge. She wanted him. Here and now. But it was still too early._

_When she didn't grab his shirt, he took her arm and put the shirt in her hand. "Wear it tonight."_

_She could only nod silently as he pulled on his blazer again and wished her a good night. After that he kissed her stomach longing and wished his daughter a good night too. In the next second he was gone._

Today had been nice, but for an eight months pregnant woman very exhausting.

The music stopped playing because it had reached the end of the CD and Teresa was asleep, the sleeves of this shirt pulled far over her wrists.

**A/N: If there're any mistakes tell me, I'll correct them. **

**Reviews are as always very much appreciated. They encourage me to update faster. **

**P.S. First song: Never said goodbye- Martin Nievera**

**Second song: Hallelujah- Jeff Buckley (*-*)**

**-A x**


	14. Chapter 15

Without Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: No. **

**A/N: You're right. All of you; and I'm sorry for being so weak. ****I hope you enjoy.**

**This is my baby Without and I want to tell a story. Thanks.**

When Lisbon came to work this morning, she saw a little yellow note lying on her desk.

"Morning Teresa," Kim shouted. "I bought you a cup of decaffeinated coffee; it's next to the note."

Lisbon went closer to her place and took a sip of the still hot liquid drink and thanked Kim while she read the short note.

_1 pm. Lunch in the little restaurant next to your favorite coffee-to-go-shop. _

_I'll be there. Can't wait. _

_See you. –P_

Immediately she smiled. They were going back to their normal banter at work and she enjoyed it. Nevertheless she knew that they were pretending that everything was okay, but sometimes, inside she felt the need to cry at him. He had come back very suddenly and now he was everywhere. There were so many unsaid words. About the future.

What did he want from her?

She wasn't so sure sometimes. She couldn't live like that when their child would be born and they both knew that.

* * *

"This is so unhealthy Jane!" She smiled shyly at him.

"But it's yummy… you know, I didn't tell that it's a Hot-dog-shop because-…"

"…-I wouldn't have come. You're right.

They both sunk in a convenient silence afterwards. Lisbon ordered a second one and Jane just raised his eyebrows.

"I miss going out on field sometimes," Lisbon told him when she was about to finish her food.

"I guessed that. It's the adrenalin kick right?"

"Yeah… and I absolutely miss my gun," she sighed.

"To shoot me?"

"Meh, not really, Agent Robbins is the poor one now. He can do that."

The way she said it Jane realized that she actually missed him… a little. Lisbon's hair was in a loose bun and she had taken off her jacket and he was fascinated by her beauty.

"I'll call that our second date."

"It's just lunch."

He looked intensively into her green eyes. "It's never just lunch with you Teresa."

"Hush."

On the way back to the FBI office Jane asked if Fischer and her wanted to pain the nursery today.

"Yeah, it's today."

They walked next to each other but Lisbon watched out to not touch him.

"May I come?"

Lisbon thought about that for a while.

"I could help and I want to."

"Fine. Just come by at around 6 pm. Kim as to work late, so she'll join us a little later."

"Thank you."

"You don't have to. It'll be hard work."

* * *

Teresa had decided to paint her old study in green and white. It was not that girly but she didn't care. A fresh look would be good too.

Jane had lifted the paint buckets from her car to her apartment and now they were standing there. In a completely empty room.

On the buckets lay a few paint brushes and pain rollers.

Jane grabbed two brushes and then they started to paint. They had no real structure, Teresa had decided that one wall should be at least light green and the rest, well they'd become creative.

"I think I should move in." Jane didn't stop painting and that's why he didn't saw her face expression change. "Now. Or soon, because when Kat's there we won't have that much time." He turned to face her. "What do you think?"

She just shook her head and tried to calm herself down. There was no way, she wouldn't say yes. She wasn't even sure if he wanted a relationship, more than a platonic one even if he'd said he wanted her. He could've also meant he wanted her as a plant in his flat. Or if she wanted a romantic relationship. It was too early.

"No?"

This simple question made her freak out.

„You ran away three times! Three times! And now you're asking me if you can move in? No, Jane. No. I'm not ready. Maybe we shouldn't try, maybe the fact that you ran away three times says everything!"

This was too much at once, they'd been on two dates and she still hadn't forgiven him for running away.

"Teresa, you know that this is not true! You don't want that!" He looked at her in disbelief. "The first two times were because of Red John and you know that!"

"And the third time not? Eh? It's all about him, always. You wrote it yourself! Now stop being here and tomorrow away! You left me alone for six, six whole months!"

Her hormones drove her crazy. It was too much, she needed more time. He was back since a few months, but he could just as easily as last time go.

"I am here! How else can I prove that I want that that I won't run away? Teresa, look at me!"

"No, forget it you bastard! It's enough now. I don't want that anymore! I don't want you in my head and especially not in my apartment."

The uncertainty of not knowing was unbearable in that moment.

His voice was incredibly soft. "Reese…"

"No, don't Reese me now. I don't want to see you anymore. Go away please just go."

He just looked at her.

"Go away!"

In her eyes glistered hot tears, but she wouldn't cry now. Not here, not with him in front of her. It was so good to finally say what she felt. To no longer pretend that everything was back to normal. She'd been nice to him, only in the first evening she had slapped him and called him names but since then she had acted like an adult, but now she simply wanted to tell him that she was not okay. She didn't care anymore that her neighbors could hear her; she just wanted it to end.

She wanted to end the pain in her heart.

Instead of doing what she'd told him to do, Jane went closer.

"No," he told her firmly. "I won't go anywhere. This is my family now. My second, but not my second best. You deserve a man who will always be there for your child. You don't care so much about your own heart, but about Kat's. And I understand. Because this is exactly the point. I won't fail my second family in any way! Kat makes the difference, don't you see? I'm her father, I'm responsible for her."

Right. She was carrying his child under her heart.

His breath caressed her cheek for a while before she was ready to answer.

"We shouldn't try Jane." She closed her eyes and could feel that the tears she had tried to hold back the whole time were now flooding down her cheeks. So very, very fast and hot. "Maybe we're not meant to be."

There was now anger in his eyes. He reached for her waist and pulled her close. In the first moment she just clung to him, but then she began to struggle.

"Don't you dare to give up now!" His voice was full of pain. "I'm sorry for leaving you so, so many times, I'm sorry for hurting you too, but Teresa look at me." He put his hand on her jawline and made her look at him. "We are meant to be. We need to be with each other." His voice was so stable and firm now, he knew he needed to make things clear now. "I cannot live without you and I want to be with you, for the rest of my life. When I left you, I did not know what I wanted. Of course I wanted you, but I did not know what I wanted to have with you. Now I know." His eyes never left hers. "I want all. I want to be with you in a family, I want a second chance. This means I want a house with a garden, pets… and you as mine. I want to make you mine. Forever."

Lisbon had stopped struggling; now her breathing was erratic and Jane could feel her strong heartbeat.

Goosebumps rose all over her body. Jane wanted her to be his.

This was all she had ever wanted to hear from him and now she knew.

Her voice was quietly now as she spoke, "It will need time."

"I know."

"It won't be easy."

"I know, I don't want easy."

"Okay."

He was still holding her and after a while he had the luck to feel his daughter struggle in her mother's womb.

"Okay." He smiled.

**A/N: The confrontation and the little fight had to come. Btw this was the funniest part to write. Maybe there will be more fighting from now on –just kidding xd Maybe in other fanfics of mine. **

**-A x**


	15. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer: Nopeee. But soon I will own Katherine x)**

**A/N: Oh god, sorry I took again so much time to update, but the idea of 'Void' came in my mind and I was obsessed with it. Now, that it is posted I decided I should write further here because I love my baby 'Without' too xd Yas, going crazy. This chapter is out of Jane's POV, I really needed to do that too. **

**Enjoy xxxx**

Without Chapter 16

Jane had not expected her to react like this. He'd thought that a little pushing would be good, but he hadn't thought about the possibility that she didn't knew HOW damn serious he was, he'd seen her shock, the disbelief in her eyes as he'd told her that he wanted to be with her. Not just as a friend with some extras, like a child, but as his.

The idea of living with her had come into his mind a while ago. When Kat would be there she would need both parents. Lisbon would understandably be a little unsure of what to do. He was sure she would do her job as a mother very good, but he'd done it earlier. He knew how to change diapers, to bath a newborn. All these little tricks which would make it easier to live with a little baby.

Seeing the way she had reacted as he had asked her if he could live with her had opened him the eyes. She didn't believe him. Not any word he'd said since he was back. She tried to convince him and herself that everything was back to normal, but she was still stuck at the point where he'd left her. Three times. As much as she wanted them to work, she couldn't be with him. She was so not ready.

Not ready. Jane could see the fear in her eyes which hadn't been there before. Lisbon had changed so much in the months without him. Her eyes looked sadder even if she was very good at covering it. Sometimes Jane wished he could get her back, but there was no way. He'd made mistakes and now life was going on the only thing he could do was trying to fix them.

Jane had thought that after his honest statement about what he wanted to have with her Lisbon would just leave it like that. He'd hold her for a few more minutes, but then they had finished the painting. No one had said a word for a while… but obviously it wasn't over for Teresa yet.

_"You hurt me... You hurt me so so many times Jane and I don't know how to fix that yet. How to forgive you? Can I? I don't know."_

_"I'm Katherine's father... You're stuck with me Teresa."_

_"I know. That's why I have to learn how to forgive. How to trust you again, if it's possible." _

_"I'll wait. There's nothing bringing me away from you, but everything holding me here." _

_Everything._

Lisbon would try her best to fix them and become ready too.

Talking about being not being ready Jane hoped Lisbon would be ready to give birth to her daughter soon. Making a mental note he wrote down to ask her if she had taken some childbirth classes.

Jane looked to his right. Lisbon was talking to Fischer about her old stuff which had been in this room and where to put it. Kim had come a while after their 'talk' she'd said nothing about their obviously tense mood towards each other but she knew… and she was proud. It was good to talk about feelings. Every good relationship should be constructed by honesty.

"Let's go and get this stuff out of here." The old furniture from her bureau had to get out of here too and Fischer demanded Jane's help. Neither Patrick nor Kim let Teresa help the littlest bit. Which made her pout a bit, she felt very useless with her big belly.

On their way out with a desk chair and old books Jane almost waited for Kim to say something.

And she really did. "You should be really happy that she is still talking to you." Jane had expected her to say many things, but not something that simple and nonetheless something that made him think about it for a while.

Why had he let it come this far? Damn his angst, he had to tell her that he loved her. Saying he wanted a house with her was not enough.

"I am."

"So, you have talked about moving in with her… she said no. What now? You are practically at the same point as before."

Fischer was right. He had told her what he wanted to have in the future but he had to act now. He had to if he wanted to show her how serious he was about staying and being there for his new family, but he couldn't when he was in his apartment and she in hers.

What if something happened to her? Lisbon was now very pregnant and it was not good for her being alone in her own apartment. What if she got the contractions earlier? What if they came in the night? She would have to search her phone and call him, but he would need time to drive to her, and so did Kim.

"Yes… but what do I do?"

"Jane, let's be clear here. Teresa does need you, more than she would ever admit… most likely more than she thinks. She needs pushing." Jane looked like he would let the chair fall and run up to her to ask her to marry him. "No… no Jane, not today. Let her calm down. She needs more of the little things… when she trusts you again she will let you move in, but her trust is still very unsteady."

As they finally reached the fore garden where they could put Lisbon's stuff down he was still thinking about what he could do. She had to trust him soon. He wanted her to not be a single mother in the first few months. Rarely, he had not known what to do and it bothered him that he didn't know anything except honesty to make her trust him again.

Heading upstairs he decided to look out for a house just to be ready if she was ready. They could not live in her apartment together; it would already be too small for her and Kat. Her home was comfortable, but too little for more than one person to live that was for sure.

In the fresh painted room again, one wall was light green as Teresa had wished and two of the others white with a few green stripes, the last one was painted a clean white, Jane asked Lisbon if he could use her shower while they would continue furnishing the nursery. On their way upstairs Fischer had told him that his whole face was green and white and looking at his hands and arms he could imagine how funny he had to look.

"Uh yeah, sure. You know where it is?" Of course he knew, considering that the apartment was comprehensible there was only one place where it would be.

"Yes I do know. Thanks." He smiled at her and her mouth angle curled a little bit up too. He looked so unbelievably sexy in his jeans and shirt, so cute with the blobs and splash in his face.

Jane had noticed her how Lisbon's eyes had admiring wandered over his body and thinking about it on his way to the bathroom he decided that it was good sign. Looking into the mirror he had to grin, the blobs where everywhere. His eyebrows and beard stubble were almost all green and in his perfect styled hair was white.

In the bathroom lay a few pregnancy pants and shirts and Jane couldn't resist in looking into one of her cabinets. "Meh." There was nothing really interesting. Then he took off all of his clothes and went into the shower. Inside it there was her shower gel and hair shampoo while switching on the water he looked at them.

He knew them, well not exactly them but its design. Lisbon had used it eight months ago too. It was a strawberry-cinnamon hair shampoo and a simple gel but when he used the shampoo then, the memories which welled up were so high leveled that he couldn't ignore them. While the hot water flooded down his body he could feel her hands her scent her presence like she was really there.

He should've never let her go; the guilt hit him once again.

Jane soaped himself with her stuff, that's when the scent hit him even more hard, he loved it. Lisbon smelled like that since years. It was a pity he had been such an idiot otherwise he could have had her here now.

Lisbon would be pressing against the wall, her legs around his waist without any space between them because of her belly. He would kiss her neck, her wet hair. Her mouth. Last time he could have done it, but he hadn't. This time she wasn't even here.

Most likely he would never know how her naked pregnant body would feel against his. How her new curves felt, if she had stretch marks or not.

He was missing so many things right now.

Jane closed his eyes and growled. It was his fault, all his fault. He was failing a second time.

**A/N: Okay let's be honest. This chapter is not my best. I see it as a filling chapter; next will have more of Lisbon, my love. I just can't write Jane… or what do you think? Should I do it more often?**

**-A x**


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